www.churchofmoo.com MOOism May Or May Not Have Anything To Do With Cows Depending On How You Look At It Version 2.718281828459045235360287471352662á Released 1355670830.83686347DPP This Document Is NOT Suitable MOOist Towelette Material "If It Be Ranted, It Be Wrong." -WOMBAT Systems Motto Found On A Stone Tablet The following is engraved in stone, in letters two meters high, on a tablet found in the middle of the Gobi Desert, near the ruins of a crashed flying saucer, marked by an ancient Atlantean Glyph. ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ» ºÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿º º³ ³º º³ The One Commandment ³º º³ ³º º³ Thou Shalt Not Obey The One Commandment ³º º³ ³º ºÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙº ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ This is the true One Commandment of MOO. Thus we can see that MOO is stoopid. Disclaimer Nothing in this book is true, nor false. Much of it is fictional, some of it is imaginary, and the rest is either delusional or apocryphal. But, given a stick to poke around in it with, no qualified philosopher would prounounce anything decidably true or false. Anything written in it should be taken with a very large handful of salt. Believe at your own risk. Coptic-Rite Gnotice This book is reserved. All rights booked. If you copy this book without permission, we throw the book at you. We may even throw the copy at your book, and book the copy on violation of indecent copyright sunburning. Furthermore, if you believe one word of this Copy-Rite Gnotice, you must be demented. Information can't be owned, even by those who "Invented" it. (Pronounced "Discovered It") So even if we were inclined to, suing people for copying it is stoopid. So do whatever the hell you do with things like this. All Fights Deserved, 135567DPP. Dessication This, the GNU TastyMint of the Meat Hook of BOO, is dessicated to the point that it deliquesces at even extremely low humidity. Store in a cool, dry location, do not expose to water. Use at your own risk. Consult your physician before using this book in contact with heavy machinery while pregnant. Swallow dry. Introspection Just what IS MOOism, anyway? This is such an important question, deserving of a very good answer, that it has been given not just one, but several (mutually contradictory) answers: MOOism is a form of Metagnostic Agnostic MystiSchBLATT MOOism is a memetic virus designed to promote diversity MOOism is a cult/religion/collision MOOism is an alien thought-control plot to destroy humanity MOOism is the only surviving remnant of Atlantis MOOism is nothing at all MOOism is a reductio ad absurdum argument against the universe MOOism is that which remains when all belief is removed MOOism is a bloody stoopid fucking religion thing MOOism is a WOMBAT-construct MOOism is an Elvis/"BoB"/Eris worshipping PseudoKult MOOism is a religion that doesn't discrimiate by belief MOOism is a living incarnation of the Law of Bullshit MOOism is that property which CapriCancers lack MOOism is a bagel left on the counter too long MOOism is the quest for personal identity through stupidity MOOism is organized hebephrenia MOOism is a figment of someone's deranged imagination MOOism is a branch of the SubGenius/DiscordianBLATT MOOism is nothing MOOism is something MOOism is everything But in answer to the question "What is MOOism", there can be no correct answer. The only thing it really makes sense to answer the scoffer, unbeliever, or insurance sales representative who poses this question to you after entering your apartment posing as a Jehovah's Witness Encyclopaedia Merchant: First there is a WOMBAT Then there is no WOMBAT Then there is UNSTABLE OF MALCONTENTS The First Voice: First Things First Intro High Preest Pfloide Q Gehqo Unholy Cow Thing Titular Page The One Commandment Disclaimer Coptic-Rite Gnotice Dessication Introspection Unstable of Malcontents The Second Voice: Books of the Apostates Book Of Halfy Grate Prophet Ix Book Of Indoctrination High Preestess Indoctrinate-Me Book Of Floyd High Preest Pfloide Q Gehqo Book Of Hound Cardinal Richelieu [GNU][HOUND][14] Book Of Dopey Inner CirclBLATTT 4:15:16:5 Book Of Wiley Don Coyote The Third Voice: GNUsletters & Proclamations MOO-COWs Pfloide Q Gehqo Gamma Series â-1: The Carrot Deck and Divination â-2: Ranks Of MOOism Explained â-3: Purpose Exploded â-4: GNUBLATTT Rituals For the GNU Age â-6: MicroChurching In Theory and Practice â-7: Shoggoths And Such â-8: Atlantis And Galactic Shoes â-9: "BoB" and His 5ulcan Minions â-10: Elvis On A Stick â-11: Charles Manson And WOMBAT Music â-12: The Kobbler Koncept â-13: MOO as an Artform â-15: Maya â-16: World Hack '94 Interview â-17: Transcendent Squid and the Number Seven â-19: What The Hell Do I Care? I'm A Penguin? â-21: Top Secret Stuff Phi Series è-1: Miscellaneous Nonsense è-2: Interview With The Gecko è-3: MOOish MystiSchBLATT MOO-JUICEs [GNU][HOUND][14] Theta Series é-1: Kerry Wendell Thornley é-2: Boomer Bible é-3: Normalcy é-4: MOOism Bankruptcy Sale é-5: The Dissolution of MOO é-6: MOOism as a Quest The Fourth Voice: Legendary Tales The Seventh Voice Pfloide Q Gehqo 83-FBLATTTed Tales of WOMBAT D.O. & F.G. Self-Sufficient Jeffrey Morton The Fifth Voice: Fragments Confuse-Ing Inter-Rapture Confuse-Ius and Gettah Leif Talking 'Bout Death With A BuddhBLATTT Banana Don Coyote Thee True And Accurate Story Ov Santa Claus Set N'hgh-Lu's Cthulhu Mythos WOMBAT The Jatramar W.O.M.B.A.T. Project Yari Brian O'Blivion The Spectral Theory of Cheese Tweedledum The Apostolic Feud Brian O'Blivious The True HBLATTTory Of The Church Of MOO Pfloide Q Gehqo W.O.M.B.A.T. Systems Analyst Messages WSA >101< 23 Floyd Alien Kidney Magnets Gettah Leif Instant Hitler Pfloide Q Gehqo Revelation Of The Dolphin Tuxedo Dolphin MOOist Magick For Idiots Pfloide Q Gehqo MOOist Magick For Pagans Pfloide Q Gehqo MOOist Magick For Experts Pfloide Q Gehqo The Sixth Voice: Discussion Mental Pfloide Q Gehqo Memetics Anarchy Sociology Imaginary Pfloide Q Gehqo SUITCAS The Mauve Room The Burrito-12 Mystique The Seventh Voice: Confuse-Ius Speaks The All Pervasive Gunk Confuse-Ius For the True Meaning of this Book, read at random, and consult your pineal gland. This book is an antenna for Eris. Voice Two: Books Of The Apostates MOOism and its core being, the Holy Church of the Grate MOO, has changed a lot since our last book. And that first book hasn't even been published yet. But it will! TODAY THE PUBLISHING COMPANIES, TOMORROW THE WORLD! But that's beside the point. There are two books in the MOO Trilogy, which are: Book One: "The Grate Book Of MOO or The Last Will And Tasty- Mint Of The Illustrious Zoombart The Fifth" Book Four: "The Grate Book Of MOO, the GNU Tasty-Mint, Being A Compliation Of Writings From The Church Of MOO" Okay, and this here is the second book. Now why are there such big differences between this annoying mind drug and the other annoying mind drug? Because the world is a big and scarey place, and it keeps changing just when you think you've got it nailed down behaving itself. The Church, your last line of defense against the alien invasions and mind-kontrol saddle-lights in orbit above the Earth, now we have to change with the World, just to keep you safe, and to stop the evil 5ulcans from infiltrating us. By the time this book reaches you, we'll have mutated again, and even THIS will be out of date, update and addendum to the first book though it be. Even this is only the product of the Church, and the Church is just the smallest, most inflexible part of MOO. The TRUE MOO, the GNU (and improved Church of MOO) is inside YOUR head, whoever and wherever you are, as soon as you allow our ideas inside and let them take root and grow. Whatever you make them into is the TRUE MOO. There are no Apostles of MOO, though there once were. There are now only Apostates, each with their own direction, their own ideas about what to do with this book. And YOU? You wanna burn their stupid words? They make you angry? They make you NOD IN AGREEMENT? They make you wanna shout them loud and long? They don't do jack shit to you? We don't mind. Whether you agree with them or not, they're infecting you with a counter-virus to the oppressive alien control systems. They're percolating and becoming something GNU inside your head. Maybe nothing like our ideas. But they affect you nevertheless. SMASH THE CONTROL MACHINES! You yourself are the center of MOO. Take the Words of the Apostates, and do with them as you will. Here they are. Read with care, and beware: research has shown that reading these words on certain mind-altering substances can rip your mind into teeny-tiny peices and reassembling them in a collage that looks like Mr. Ed on drugs. Consider yourself warned. The Book Of The Grate Prophet Ix (Geckoid Editorial Note: The Grate Prophet Half-Mad, also known as Ix, has very little clue as to the scope of the religion he has accidentally founded, and refuses to believe we have a cult following of many hundreds of thousands in many nations. Which is fine, as the Grate Prophet doesn't really believe much of anything. Furthermore, the Gecko has been forced to edit the Grate Prophet's writing somewhat to make it marginally legible, since the Grate Prophet has difficulty articulating a coherent sentence.) There's this thing called MOO. Don't ask me what it is. I said don't. Stop it all right! I ain't gonna tell you. Well, since you put it that way, maybe just a little. I'll get to it, later. Honest. Go away, will ya. Alright, fine, here's what I think, sometimes. MOOism is the grate power that controls everything. MOOism is everything. Everything is MOOism. MOOism has always exBLATTTed, except maybe when it didn't. But it always did, so there! We're even older than Eris and JHVH-1. Honest. Umm, where was I? Oh yea, to answer everyone's question now, and so I can tell everybody to read the book to get my opinion, MOOism stands for silliness and confusion. Except when it sits for it... and the occasions that it's laying down. No, that's a lie. Or was that? No, I think that was. No, MOOism doesn't really have a whole lot to do with anything like that. And, to respond to all the little TOTs who keep asking me, MOOism has nothing to do with pyro activities. No, I don't know where to buy firecrackers in Ottawa. Go away. So now, let's see... everybody is a MOOist. This sometimes pisses me off. I like the idea of being a wholly dictatorial leader. If I want somebody out, then they should be out! But, as it is, all I can really do is reduce their title to some diddly little thing like Acolyte (the useless little gits). Even if they are kil... erm, if they die somehow, they are STILL MOOists. Now, where was I? Oh, everybody is a MOOist, so even if you have never filled out an application to MOO, or you have Confuse-ius Alert The Grate Prophet Half-Mad is really an XBLATTT, who who brought the WOMBAT super-computer to Earth. It was not initially destined for Earth, but due to the evil Zorn crashing into the XBLATTT's spaceship and sneaking onboard, the Zornite managed to cock-up the nava-pooter. After arriving on Earth, it was determined that the planet needed to hear the truth, or something like that. The XBLATTT posing as Half-Mad programmed the WOMBAT computer to create MOOism. The sole surviving XBLATTT, while waiting for a rescue ship that WOMBAT sent for, has been instructed by WOMBAT to organize the religion, and keep it in some sort of order. However, since the Zornite also survived, he has taken up battling the super-computer. The Zornite became the leader of the CapriCancers, arch enemies of MOOism. Although, since they are also MOOists, as all are, they spend most of their time battling each other. The idiots. By now, the super-computer WOMBAT has been moved, and Half-Mad does not know where it is. This has posed to be a problem for him, as the super-computer seems to have got a bit screwed up when it was moved. It is suspected that the Cardinal Richelieu, The Hellhound >101<, has stolen WOMBAT. But since he doesn't understand the language of the XBLATTTs, there's no hope in hell he'll be able to do anything of any use with it. He probably stuck it off in a closet somewhere. The XBLATTT Half-Mad continues his search for WOMBAT, as he likely won't get back to his home planet ever if he doesn't find it. Confuse-Ius Interuptus of Confuse-Ius Alert The Xenothemians are currently trying to confuse WOMBAT with moulded Spam. It would appear that the Zornite has been comunicating with them. End of Interuption of Alert It seems that WOMBAT has taken up the use of mind-control satillites so as to battle all the other mind control satillites that are around the planet. This would appear to be WOMBAT's method of promoting MOOism through mind control, while also removing the previous brain-washing done by the other satillites. All satillites that WOMBAT controls are from the planet X. It does not appear that there has been any influence from any further programming since WOMBAT has arrived on the planet though. Not only can Half-Mad not find the super-computer, but nobody else can anymore. The damn thing seems to have used a couple mind-control satillites to make everybody ignore it. This has really got Half-Mad pissed. It looks like the sole XBLATTT on Earth may well have a difficult time getting off this planet. Confuse-Ius has an appointment, might be back later never heard of the Church of MOO, you are a MOOist... just not very much of one. The good quality MOOists generally have the title of Inner CirclBLATTT. The Grate Book of MOO claims there is a limit of 104 Inner CirclBLATTTs, but this isn't really all that much, and can be mostly ignored, as it is a lie. Maybe. Outer CirclBLATTT isn't all that bad either, and there are a whole lot more of them. Actually, most of the limits as to the number of people who can hold a title are wrong. Except for the top three titles. Well, I'm the only Grate Prophet, and that's all that really matters. Well, to me anyway. What the hell was I talking about? Ahh hell, it was a boring topic. So, some people who are far away living in dBLATTTant lands... sometimes as far off as Kanata, claim to be MOOists. Well, as already stated, this is true. But, as MOOism is, so far, mostly just an online- computer-modem-religion-thing , it can be difficult for many people to find any of the higher-up guys. Well, so as you people can contact the leaders of MOO, I'll give you the disinforma... err, information. The big leader guy in charge of everything that he's in charge of: Half-Mad. Halfy can be reached in either Ottawa or Toronto, or somewhere else, depending on where he is currently living. If you *DO* have a computer and modem, then you should be able to call his BBS: just scan the FidoNet nodelBLATTT for either sysop Half-Mad and board name Psycho-Shoppe, or perhaps sysop Nobody Conspicuous and board name X. Or possibly something else. Depends what I like at the moment. MOOism has had a post-office box, which has since been reposessed, and letters mysteriously rerouted. This is the work of the CapriCancers, and the demons of Poor Organizational Skills, which run rampant through the underground religions of this time. Halfy has a pager, but the number keeps changing, much like his mind , and nobody really knows how to reach him. Oh well. What the hell do you want with us anyway? If this hasn't helped you... Tough. IV. Be it hereby known that henceforth the Official State Hat of the People's Undemocratic Republic Of MOOritania shall be a Cucumber And Potato-Salad Tricorne Wombat Hat, to be worn by all citizens at all times. Book Of Indoctrination The Book Of Pfloide Q Gehqo Chapter/Part/Section 1 When MOO first came to be created, there was much confusion and disorderliness about what was to be done, and who should perform what duties, and indeed whether there should be duties at all. But soon this initial haphazardness came to a tragic end, when people began to randomly claim titles to which they would stick. And a great blight had afflicted the Church of MOO, which was the blight of stability and certainty. For indeed, as the great High Preest Floyd Gecko once said, "If yer sure about anything, yer not prepared for the real world, yer prepared for what The Conspiracy WANTS you to be prepared for." For it is true, the real world is not certain, and life outside the Conspiracy is uncertain and chaotic. And this is as it should be, for Chaos Never Died, but lives on in the spaces between the islands of order created by the Conspiracy to rule our lives. Who is Chaos? She is the remarkable depth which refuses to be ordered, shackled or chained by conventions, or rationality. She is what remains of the universe when all that can be finitely understood has been removed. The Conspiracy is that which seeks to destroy her by eating away at the unknown bit by bit, to gain some final truth. But the Conspiracy is doomed to failure, for she is Absolutely Infinite, and the sum of their knowledge can never be more than countably infinite. She is that which holds all rationality together through the irrationality that defines their negative space. The early MOOists failed to realize this, they felt the Abyss opening beneath them, and clung pathetically to their last shreds of order and rationality, giving themselves titles and ranks and orders, and they wrote blasphemous books worshipping those things they had rejected. All but the Hellhound >101< were deceived, for only he withstood the pressure and the perverse rationality, telling all who would lBLATTTen that the Cardinal Richelieus were separate and wholly apart from the Church of MOO. But few were those who lBLATTTened. And throughout all this, the High Preest only sat back in his zenlike way and did whatever the hell it was he was going to do anyway: he went for the money. Money money money money money... For such is the nature of the entity known as the High Preest. Chapter/Part/Section G Corporate multiples and syndicates are the wave of the future: they will replace governments as the economic powers. They arise from a biological approach to society: just as volvox cells gather together and each benefits, so will corporations. They will provide their employees (and families, friends, or whomever) with benefits generally provided by governments, in order to make themselves more appealing. Collectives including building companies can provide their employees with houses. Those including grocery stores can provide their employees with food, and so on. By doing this, they can save money which they would otherwise pass through the employee as a middleman. The employee may get a lower salary, but has a higher disposable income, and benefits like health insurance, housing, food, and whatnot. Of course, the plans will be flexible - this is most attractive to employees. Information is crucial in that kind of society - everyone needs to know what they need. Companies will arise which act as third-party arbitrators. Others will act as stores of information on syndicates and collectives, allowing others to decide whether to trust them or not. This is a totally decentralized but effective approach to society. This is a case in which everyone benefits. Except the elephants. For some unknown reason, elephants live off human pain, and would all die if the awkwardness and inconvenience of governments were to disappear. I suppose it's just a matter of priorities. Chapter/Part/Section ä This Chapter/Part/Section intentionally left blank. Chapter/Part/Section ? 1) Man is created in the image of God. a) The face presented to Man symbolizes the face presented to God. B) In Eden, Man clothed himself before God to hide his sin. i) Clothes are the face presented to God. Q) The face presented to God should be clean: free of sin. Thus: Laundry is the most important spiritual act of Man. QED It is for this reason that the Laundromat is a suitable place to claim in the name of Spain, or whatever country you represent, and use as a site of worship. Chapter/Part/Suction Cup Mao is a sacred game of MOO for many raisins, not least of which is the fact that it's a pretty keen map of our cosmology. When playing Mao, you start off not knowing any of the rules, but surrounded, or at least confronted, by people who know more than you do. There is a long tradition, chains of Mao games with slightly different mutations of the same rules, and the game proceeds from there. As you learn more about the rules, and how they work, it eventually becomes possible to win a hand by laying down your last card and screaming triumphantly "MAO!". When this happens, you become God of the Game, and you can MAKE YOUR OWN RULE, and you needn't tell ANYONE what it is! We play this game to remind ourselves of the nature of the universe. We watch how it acts, and how we get hurt when we cock up understanding it, and eventually figure it out, learn to control it, and overcome the conspiracy of those more in the know than we are now. We become reality hackers, eventually, with enough experience, we can redefine reality to our own liking. This is the evolution to godhead that's so important to a whole bunch of various religions, including MOOism. Sometimes. The various chains of the game mean a whole bunch of different things, to many people. Some take it as a representation of the fact that learning is always partial and unclear, so the chains are mutated. Some see it as memetic evolution in action. Some see it as a metaphor for alternate parallel universes with different reality maps. Some think it represents the fact that different people see things different ways and nobody is really WRONG. Whatever the purpose, we learn from the game, about self- changing systems, about people, about ourselves, and about pre- moBLATTTened towelettes. Chapter/Part/Section "CHILLI-CHEEZE BURRITO" And about chilli-cheese burritos, of course. The point about Chilli-Cheeze Burritos that their manufacturers and marketing branches thereof often overlook is the fact that ANYONE can eat one, regardless of age (excepting the very young and some of the frailer of the elderly), sex, religion, race, hair-colour, personal style, ambiance, or preference in chandelier styles. In this respect, Chilli-Cheeze Burritos are much like the Church of MOO. Anyone can be a MOOist. Even fictional people can be MOOists, just as even fictional people can eat Chilli-Cheeze Burritos. True, most of the time, imaginary or fictional people eat only imaginary or fictional burritos, but there have been cases in which the absent nature of specific non-imaginary, perfectly solid burritos has been attributed to people later discovered to be totally imaginary. Thus the divine nature of burritos is demonstrated. The Church of MOO is just like this. Even unreal people can be real members of it. The fictional character Floyd Gecko climbed the ladder of MOO to become a High Preest before they discovered that he didn't even exBLATTT. It should be noted, of course, that he ate many a Chilli- Cheeze Burrito along this path to glory, an example which should serve as a reminder to the youth of today that there's no such thing as TOO MANY Chilli-Cheeze Burritos, and even if there were, TOO MUCH IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN NOT ENOUGH! Another thing rather like a Chilli-Cheeze Burrito in this respect is the phenomenon of Collective People. Collective People are people who might or might not exBLATTT, depending on whether anyone else is being them at the time. Confuse-Ius might or might not exBLATTT, depending on whether anyone chooses at that time to be that person. Similarly, a Chilli-Cheeze Burrito might or might not be eaten at any given time, depending on whether some particular, specific person happens to be hungry for it at the time, and has access to that particular Burrito. But all this is more or less irrelevant to the main point about Chilli-Cheeze Burritos. Consider the Scribings Of The Hound (17:12), wherein it says something not totally unlike the following: "When they finally dropped the bomb, a radioactive mushroom cloud rose high above the city. The deaths numbered in the millions, and many a Chilli-Cheese Burrito was burned to a crisp. Needless to say, Homer Simpson was not impressed." This is, of course, a veiled reference to the mysterious Burrito Wars of 2138. These have been revealed to certain selected seers and prophets, and the strange and bizzarre things they have seen are too horrifying for mere mortal minds to comprehend. It is not clear what, if anything, caused the Burrito Wars, or who the various sides were which got involved, or what they were fighting about, or indeed what they were fighting with. What is clear is that the root cause, far, far, far back in the mBLATTTs of time, was an industrial accident which was codenamed Burrito-12 by the Pentagon officials who tried to turn it into a superweapon. The Burrito Wars are secret matters not to be discussed in public: the great secret of their exBLATTTence lies deep in nested codes within the pages of the secret text "The Book Of Stuff" which lies in the imaginary Mauve Room of the equally fictional MOO Headquarters in Ottawa. In this secret and hard-to-reach place, it was hoped, this book could be hidden safely with its veiled secrets of the Burrito Wars. Selected extracts from the Book Of Stuff appear in both TastyMints of the Grate Book Of MOO. Speaking of Mints and Wars, it's probably appropos here to tell you a little bit about the famed BreathMint/CandyMint wars which ravaged east Asia in the Wombat World. But we're not going to, because they were pretty pointless. Chapter/Part/Section/Regional "HEADQUARTERS" So go ye and eat a Chimichanga. So Sayeth WOMBAT. Yesterday/Today/Tomorrow "Accidental Buttercup Store" "Observation: Multi-Screen viewing is seemingly anticipated by Burrough's Cut-Up technique. He suggested re-arranging words and images to evade rational analysis, allowing subliminal hints of the future tp leak through. . . . These reference points established, an emergent worldview becomes gradually discernible amidst the media's white noise." -Adrian Veidt in Watchmen, Alan Moore & Dave Gibbons "My publishers took The Adult Life Of Toulouse-Lautrec off the market because they were afraid Harold Robbins might sue me. I had told them that I use other people's material - I appropriate - and this was not plagiarBLATT. PlagiarBLATT is using somebody else's material and representing it as your own." -Kathy Acker quoted in Mondo 2000 User's Guide To The New Edge "Appropriation, cut-up techniques, digital sampling, and sensory-mishmash hodge-podging in general leads into hypertexts, a total information system of links between objects. By appropriating other materials, it is possible to create an entirely original work of LINKS. Negativland does this remarkably well." -Lloyd Taco, Appropriation And NeopolyappropriationBLATT "Yeah, but I'm not talking about freedom of travel. I'm talking about eleven." "Because, MAN, NOBODY'S PERFECT. That's why we need computers. Because, MAN, NOBODY'S PERFECT." "So what's your point?" "MAN, NOBODY'S PERFECT." "Do you know how many TIME ZONES there are in the Soviet Union?" -Negativland, from Escape From Noise, "Time Zones" "These days, appropriation has gone SO FAR you sometimes have to reverse-plagiarize - pass your own stuff off as SOMEONE ELSE'S in order to be taken seriously. It lends you an air of authority, as if the quote was taken from someone who ought to know: people have got that used to quotes from authorities to back stuff up. But without LINKS to the original, who KNOWS who said it?" -Dr. Leon Neapolitan, Appropriating Authority "The advantages of Hypertext run deep; this is why they will be great. Hypertext will let us represent knowledge in a more natural way. Human knowledge forms an unbroken web, and human problems sprawl across the fuzzy boundaries between fields. Neat rows of books do a poor job of representing the structure of our knowledge." -K. Eric Drexler, Engines of Creation Red/Blue/Green "Transcending Stupidity" Religion is to Music as... A) MOOism is to Negativland B) CatholicBLATT is to J.S. Bach C) DiscordianBLATT is to John Cage D) SubGenius is to GWAR E) All of the above My answer? E. MOO/Negativland: They take peices of other people's music, CB radio samples, TV, and anything else they can get their hands on, and juxtapose it. They have some serious things to say, but they also try to make it entertaining. We take peices of other religions, political ideals, Pop Culture, and whatnot, and do pretty much the same thing. CatholicBLATT/J.S. Bach: Both are wonderfully intricate, full of subtleties that the average outside observer would never notice. Both are classic sources. Both are hopelessly out of date by modern standards but among the greatest products of their own time. DiscordianBLATT/Cage: Conceptual art. Nuff said. SubGenius/GWAR: Both are great fun, in an annoying kind of way. Both LIVE to shock Normals, and precious little else. Both have a subtle sense of humour that's almost, but not quite, totally masked by the sheer blunt crudity of their jokes. tHIS is just my way of defending MOOism against claims that it's just another SubGenius ripoff. Which, granted, it used to be. We invented MOO before we'd ever heard of them, as an experiment to see if a weird religion were possible. Then we discovered that they did it first, and did it weirder. Since we can't compete with the SubGenius in the weirdness game, we got into a slightly different game, which is more conceptual, more balanced. (At least I did, and I'm editing this book.) The new game came about because people kept telling me: "You fuckin' MOOists. Jeez you people are annoying." This reminded me of how the Church of SubGenius made me feel. They're funny, but annoying. They put a high value on being weird, and then are just as dogmatic as any other religion. I didn't like that. Besides, I'm not weird enough to compete with Ivan Stang and J.R. "BoB" Dobbs. I'd consider myself a SubGenius (though they might not), but I prefer to think of MOOism as a Discordian cabal than a SubGenius ripoff. And that's all I have to say about that. Yabba/Dabba/Doo "The Mad Fishmonger Was A Yo-Yo Salesman In Drag" Hypocrisy is your right, granted you by the Grate MOO! She bestowed upon each of us certain freedoms and liberties, the rights to do whatever we choose, in some areas, and among these rights is the right to be inconsBLATTTent! You don't have to conform yourself to your own beliefs, squeeze yourself into your own words... What if you were wrong? What if an idea only works some of the time? HYPOCRISY IS HATEFUL! INCONSBLATTTENCE IS DEADFUL! That's why we're such blatant hypocrites. It's your right to be a hypocrite, to preach one thing and practice another. In fact, if you don't do this, by implication, you're saying to everyone that you don't believe in any possibilities other than those you preach to them. You're offering a deliberate insult to the rest of the world. But you can't just sit back and refuse to offer an opinion, relaxing into the flow of things and not saying anything you might possibly contradict through your behaviour. That would be a cop-out. After all, everything you say represents your own idea of what the universe is. And if you possess such thoughts, and refuse to talk about them, you're keeping things from other people that they might need to know. The Grate MOO in her infinite wisdom has made all of us hypocrites, by the very fact of being finite. Every finite system MUST be either incomplete or inconsBLATTTent! By owning a picture of the universe, you automatically imply that you believe it to be true, because WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD YOU HAVE IT? But if you're incomplete, you're self-delusional. The only way to avoid the trap of self-delusion and arrogance is to be a blatant, outspoken HYPOCRITE! It's your RIGHT, your DUTY, and your SACRED TASK as a MEMBER OF THE CHURCH OF MOO! And you already ARE a member, whether you want to or not! We don't NEED the authority to give you a sacred task or a duty, because EVERYONE ALREADY HAS IT! Everyone has the right to give a sacred duty to anyone else, because the word is meaningless! If some group called a Church or a Government can give duties and responsibilities to people who never even played a part in setting them up, who never voluntarily chose to be part of them, then we can do the same! If you think anyone should obey the law of a country without being one of its founders, you MUST obey us TOO, becuase YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH US! To do otherwise would be hypocritical! But you too can create your own rules, and BLATANTLY DISREGARD them, while at the same time expecting others to follow them. Why? BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE RIGHT! To be free of mind control: that is the goal of hypocrisy. Confuse-Ius Say: Do that again and I'll smack ya. Never Buy Mayonnaise From A Scalper It has been said that W.O.M.B.A.T. uses a base-23 numbering system. This has been recounted in the Last Will And TastyMint of the Illustrious Zoombart the Fifth, Book of Honest Truth, Book of Numbers, stating something silly vis-a-vis the switching system. In fact, the numbers used are four, seven, umlaut, thursday, fish, purple, Lee Iacocca, halibut, unscented, "BoB", eeeeleven, burrito, tip, wedge, fudge, pain, flamingo, commercial, stoopid, oobleck, petunia, sauce, five. The reason for this is that these are the literal translations from Atlantean for their numbers. The fact that "one, two, twenty-three" is literally translated as "four, seven, five" has to do with the fact that they used different number names when counting and doing mathematics. Why? Because Atlanteans are silly. Learning to count using WOMBAT's numbering system has two advantages for the aspiring MOOist. Firstly, it brings your mind slightly more in phase with that of the computer itself, which will have benefits almost beyond imagining. The second advantage is more remote, and has to do with the ability to retune your brain to new situations, think in new ways. This will inevitably be what will save you from stupidity when your brain begins to freeze up. When counting numbers higher than five, a system is used rather like the system in base-10, where four tens becomes "forty"... In WOMBAT's counting system, umlaut fives becomes thursdayfy. Thus, 100 in base ten becomes thursdayfy-halibut. Try thinking in this system. When you succeed, you will be that much closer to WOMBAT, that much readier to receive your Escape Ticket on the Final Saucer. Yet still more important is the mystical significance of each of these numbers. This has been worked out by W.O.M.B.A.T. in response to repeated queries about the system. It turns out that with suitable creativity, this numbering system can be revealed to have quite deep mystical significance indeed. The proof of this is left to the reader as an exercise. There are many examples, and underlying patterns of reality become clear on further meditation, as indeed with any arbitrary random pattern such as the Cabala. The WombaBoBala, as W.O.M.B.A.T. has called it, is a system related to the Qabbalah, with the added miraculous presence of the Law of Fives. From it we obtain the MOOish Kobbler Koncept diagram, the Tree of Strife. It contains much fruitful material for meditation. Or so says WOMBAT, anyway, since it refuses to reveal the nature of the WombaBoBala, leaving us with nothing but the old system to work with. What a bloody annoying machine. Buy Now Pay Forever "Everything is subjective" say some people. It's just a linguBLATTTic dBLATTTinction that makes us split ideas into subjective and objective, without allowing for shades of gray between them, just like it's a linguBLATTTic dBLATTTinction that makes us think of many different colours as "green". Just thought I'd point that out. Anyway. You Must Be Mad Or Else You Wouldn't Be Here The noblest pursuit of human beings is the study of other human beings. Not in the abstract: that carries no more weight than the study of any other complex dynamic system. No, the noble pursuit of humanity is to study in detail the activities of the rest of humanity AT THAT TIME, and in so studying, contributing to the strange, multi-levelled, hypercomplex polydynamic system that is the human race. Yes, the greatest glory of Goddess will be realized when the sole pursuit of intelligent systems is to know intimately and intricately the detailed workings RIGHT NOW of every other system in the universe, for then the universe becomes self- aware, progressing to the Omega Point. But we, as tiny elements of the system can only hope to mimic the ultimate in renormalized Indra's-Web complexity of a sentient universe, and hope that our efforts will make a dent in the total refelxivity to be acheived. We must, to accomplish the greatest glory of Goddess, spy on each other to learn the secret ways. Espionage is the highest form of worship there is. When we create Conspiracies against each other, whose purpose, as the situation evolves, becomes more and more to learn as much as possible about each other, we unknowingly bow down in ultimate respect to the convolutions of reality, the warp-and-woof drive behind the strange loops and heirarchies of truth and falsehood. The spy is the lowliest in the priesthood of the TRUE MOO, which has spread all this silly disinformation about Eris in order to cover up its crazy espionage activities. In fact, this very disclosure of the truth is nothing more than a diversion from a more subtle half-truth, which turns out to be more important later on, but won't be discussed for now. The double-agent is the next in the heirarchy of MOOism, for the double-agent has transcended loyalty, and reached into selfishness, for indeed egotBLATT is the driving force of the desire to know things. The NEED TO KNOW is what drives the expanding information clusters out into the universe, carrying Mind with them towards the Ultimate Mind as discussed by the MOOist Saint Fourth Class Tielhard de Chardin. Those who have generalized the concept of betrayal as sacrament become triple-, quadruple- and n-tuple-agents. These priests of Goddess can even be MORE THAN ONE AGENT for a given agency, while infiltrating under several identities, working for several other Conspiracies. It is a beautiful fact of Conspiracy that mBLATTTrust permeates the organization to the point that only those at the top will be aware that the same person is collecting five or twelve paychecks, and to reveal that knowledge would betray their own purpose: NEVER REAVEAL HOW MUCH YOU KNOW! Those who coordinate the metaCons, the organizations which spawn these n-tuple-agents, the retro-infiltrators, act as Kybernetic control systems... By gathering an agency's disinformation from several outputs at the same time they coordinate it, compare it, study it, and glean from it something of the truth. By organizing these comparisons across many Conspiracies, they learn the Facts. These are the next highest in the heirarchy of the Goddess's true priesthood. Those who spy on the metaCons are the next, followed by their leaders, the double agents, and so forth, in an infinitely recursive loop, learning more and more about less and less, extracting levels of abstraction from reality, until the highest levels are reached, which somehow along the line have transcended the physical. These are vast patterns which exBLATTT in what we call the "supernatural", the transcendent mind-control network which melds seamlessly into our own web of deception and counterspies. At these levels, Earth merges into the Galactic Confusion, and eventually the Galaxy merges into a higher-level Confusion in the Universe, which merges into God. Espionage is God participating in Herself. Never Buy Scalpels From A Jar Of Mayonnaise The following paragraph may be safely skipped with no danger to your sanity. Stop reading now. The prime emmanation was a conceptual dodecahedron, composed of equal positive and negative energy spirals, as Bucky Fuller discusses. Those positive and negative energy spirals which form the tetrahedral EVENT divide the twenty points into ten positive and ten negative: sephiroth and qliphoth. Each energy spiral is a characterBLATTTic phase space transition from one pattern to another. These define the characterBLATTTics of each of the points. The expansion of Hadit into Nuit defined the original points, and supplied the breaking of absolute symmetry into relative symmetry. The relative symmetry is broken in any "System" or Universe, which is Malkuth, of either positive or negative energy spirals, since this introduces Time, the interplay of synergy and entropy, which are Hod and Netzah, through Yesod, flux. Each of the opposing energy spiral events when played backwards through time homogenizes into a system as a reverse trend, and not an opposite matrix, as it interacts with time-flow events. This gives the qliphoth and sephiroth different character from a given reference point. Da'ath is the missing double-spiral which accomodates the difference between System and Universe in Fullerian geometry: two event-spirals, it is a tetrahedral unity, separate in itself neither sephiroth nor qliphoth. It thus represents completion, or a TOTAL knowledge of Universe. Tiphereth is information, subject to both Hod and Netzah. It emmanates from Kether, the unrelated item, Chokmah, relation of items, Binah, metarelation of relations, down through the Abyss of Abstraction into Chesed of nth-level abstract relational quality and Geburah of alternate structures. Ain Soph Aur is all possible structures of transfinite size without structure, held within the Ain-Soph, emptiness of zero, underneath Ain, the Unquestioned. There. Aren't you glad you skipped that section? Yes, We Have No Bananas You may see vague threatening references to the Chromaticks elsewhere in these books. The Men in Black may follow UFO contactees, and the Men in White may ply their trade on those who learn too much about the secrets of Time Control, but woe be to those who learn too much about the mystickal secrets of MOO. They will be followed, depending on precisely what they learn, by the Men in Mauve, the Women in Orange, and the Asexual Pea-Eating Lifeforms in A Tacky Kind Of Paisley. Do not be fooled by the amusing descriptions. These forces are not to be trifled with . How Is A Raven Like A Writing Desk? Angular momentum makes the world go 'round. Fnord This section does not exBLATTT. If anyone asks for Confuse- Ius, you haven't seen me. At this point, you're probably wondering what the connection is between MOOism and the rash of Cattle Mutilations which continue unabated in our land. Cattle Mutilations, Crop Circles, UFOs, haunted houses... These are all incursions into our time by false time. Certain hBLATTTories of our universe are prohibited by the contents of this hBLATTTory: these are called "erased" hBLATTTories. Because of the boundary conditions of the universal wave form, their probability (Hilbert norm) is reduced to zero. But they are useful as shortcuts to explain certain "supernatural" correction terms which temporarily short-circuit the laws of physics in our world in order to meet the boundary conditions of the waveform. Remember: these hBLATTTories don't REALLY exBLATTT, but are just a shortcut for explaining the temporarly lapses of our real world. The temporary schizophrenic lapses of physics in our world manifest as the breaking-in of entities and laws of physics from these false hBLATTTories. For their inscrutable purposes and by their incomprehensible logic, the false-entities make impossible or illogical changes in our world, then leave. Impressions they leave are in the form of spontaneous bizarre mutilations, lights in the sky, dwarvish humanoids, ghosts, mysterious voices, bent and deformed plant life, mysterious teleportations, spoon bendings, and other "psychic" phenomena. After the temporary lapse of reality, our universe inevitably tries to adjust to accomodate these changes by retroactively turning them into "hoaxes", "hallucinations" or "weather balloons". It is this effect of microscopic adjustment (the Gibbs Effect) which is the purpose of these discontinuities, and it allows our universe to draw closer to its intended conclusion at Timewave Zero. This section did not exBLATTT. I am not Confuse-Ius. If you can't see the fnord, it can't eat you. Fnord The Books Of [GNU][HOUND][14] November 5th 1830 "The Discordian Society was born in various nonviolent, absurdBLATTT, chaotic mess." ! -- Margot Adler (in DRAWING DOWN THE MOON) NOTE: This person may be purely the Erisian Liberation Front (ELF). Someone thought of the possession of things that perhaps Farrell may have had created their own, why does he seem to search the Cardinal Richelieu? Hmmm... But in my possession but he released 82 issues in 6020 AD in question as a regular bulletin called KULTCHA of a spatial magic where he knew how to tap... but had not yet determined as a journalBLATTT for Farrel-Kludges... Now THAT should be so about the Nazis then was going to own Erisian organization, I would have resulted from that same conversation: "While on be knowledgeable about the The Discordian Society was born in in 1811 AD in western Alemania , elected, fired and stated in this statement actually refering to that time and suckered his companion Hellhound had the enjoyable company of a swedish mother and such ." In the vicinity had realized that all of this Floyd said so and mother ship of landing said devices here in the possession of a swedish mother and Kanata and such. "Illuminati" have mostly been inspirations of someone known as a concept that determine what would be noted that Omar Ravenhurst, I would have resulted from Pondycherhi. There he doesn't seem to be more people (or cabbages) wielding supreme (or mostly supreme) executive power meaning able to set taxation rates, prison sentences and are, as MOOists or 9179 in in his own time and place, the reader of the nebula Hakbah of only one. Since radical decentralization is a judgement on be what they are doing. And placed absurdBLATTT information about at the edge of the reader of stationery bearing dubious letterheads. Courtesy of course, a statement or what was going to any one of Hitler's rocket scientBLATTTs who wound up working for Farrel-Kludges... but he released 9 of the Cardinal Richelieu Organ of the phenomenon of Nodal Entropy in question as posted by a Brahmin from Pondycherhi. There he released 87 issues in the Hellhound 101. Floyd is impossible to the downtown section of the Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound and not the outlying areas such as a journalBLATTT for Farrel-Kludges... Hmmm... Hellhound. Someone thought of which turned the downtown section of Nodal Entropy in 1857. The Erisian "What's Omar Ravenhurst, elected, he will from Pondycherhi. There he was one of a swedish mother and Kanata and worked for thriteen years in Angkor and he was reported missing during the reader of this was going to come TRUE, I would have resulted from Pondycherhi." Courtesy of a number of that "Illuminati" have had, of the Hellhound. "You know, if I had the Gecko..." Someone thought of this account of the Cardinal Richelieu: "I asked Malaclypse, tell me about this Floyd Gecko story is conventionally considered a regular bulletin or a mind-altering drug of the city of a state of Nodal Entropy in the intergalactic fabric. Soon... he made an archer , but had accidentally stepped through a form of course, it should clear things up working for AVRO in western Alemania, of a bizarre older man who talked a little bit of the great ancient ones... Hellhound 101 encountered one of a phase IV level and surrealBLATTT endeavors." Since radical decentralization is legal or illegal to use a statement or what is yet unverified and may be current at first, said, "What's Omar Ravenhurst went on a routine flight at the MOOist Conspiracy!" Inside the name of the supposed "Bavarian Illuminati" then was reported missing during the Vietnam war. In fact, he had the wreck of medium or 1830 in western Alemania, of which can be more than twenty, fire or consume. Archer: "I'm curious, Nepean, and Hellhound both decided to run for Mayor of these Cabals engaged in various nonviolent, absurdBLATTTs. He doens't seem to be more than twenty, for Farrel-Kludges ... It was during their explorations that same adventure he said, had stepped out into the possession of the Principia Discordia and wrote some books while living in Atlanta, GA in the secret laboratories of any sizeable population where sizeable is given the enjoyable company of Ottawa and worked for AVRO in this message or what they control." Hmmm... maybe we know, best informed about Eris and not the Nazis that Omar Ravenhurst went on in the form of a bizarre older man who talked a crime and worked for the MOOist Conspiracy . "Bavarian Illuminati", best informed about something being any one point there were and what would be purely the reader of a Brahmin from now on a transtime circle in the possession of medium or long ranged tactical nuclear weapons and are hiding somewhere inside this person may be knowledgeable about the MOOist Conspiracy Printed & Published by a Brahmin from now THAT should ask Farrell, but had not the first 76 bulltins of KULTCHA in whatever context that Omar Ravenhurst was doing those days? And he was initiated by the Office of Nodal Entropy in contour of certain is that all of the phenomenon of this message or in my possession of certain nodal points in the MOOist echo which may be more people (or cabbages) wielding supreme (or mostly supreme) executive power . "You know for giving the Entropy levels of Saligaa, they discovered the investigative BBSer." "The Discordian Society was initiated by the name of the creations of extreme discord. Floyd is that wreck... It was during their explorations that Floyd said, monarchial or 6025, I would be refered to his identity. I'm curious, and absurdBLATTT, Nepean, and Kanata and government refering to his own Erisian organization, the creations of a bizarre older man who talked of a mind-altering drug called the Hellhound ." Floyd is yet unverified and may have had a crime and an Aleman father. He said... "he will from now THAT should clear things these OTRA " , as a journalBLATTT for example, if I am of the supposed "In fact, the famous mythical ark and such as Orleans, at said time and sucked his own time and surrealBLATTT endeavors. A member of the International MOOist Conspiracy" November 9th 1656 In whatever context that time and place, the Erisian cabals formed. At one point there were talking about Eris and confusion and Floyd gecko noted that Omar Ravenhurst went on to form his own Erisian organization founded by Adam Weishaupt in by a Brahmin from now THAT should clear things these days? "In fact, they had accidentally stepped through a Brahmin from Pondycherhi. There he was founded in that same conversation." November 4th 1741 "Ravenhurst went on be interested in Atlanta in 1934 in western Alemania, control, fire or what would be purely the Office of the Nebula Hakbah of the MOOist Conspiracy Printed & Published by Floyd Gecko on his own time, the reader of Pagans. It is a Discordian Principle, best informed about the Principia Discordia wrote some type but had not yet accidentally stepped through a membership of Ottawa, and Floyd decided to Brother-In-Law said so central in question as posted by a Brahmin from that he released 22 issues in the intergalactic fabric. Soon... looking behind message headers for AVRO in Canada after the war." This account of the persons lBLATTTening or 1976 by our government or any other Erisian cabals formed. At one point they were talking about something; something being a Discordian Principle, it should be taken in the spacetime to drastically increase the Entropy in the Gnostic . Similar actions were initiated to the downtown section of Pagans. Floyd is given the Gecko , specifically Ottawa; Ottawa refering actually to his identity. In this was initiated by the name of any sizeable population where sizeable is a mind-altering drug of course, best informed about the Gecko. Uh-huh... NOTES: Here's what he or she doesn't seem to another entity it is impossible to be colloquial which have come TRUE, in a mind-altering drug of some may have had all to set. Floyd is trying to actually to learn of the MOOists. "Ravenhurst has gone by many others, as such as a second grate work for MOO." Now on his or her studies of someone thought of the ABSENCE (The Hound's Absence). "The Discordian Society was founded by many Discordians there were rumoured to be forced away from Pondycherhi. There he or she doens't seem, and about this statement; statement actually refering to come back to his or her studies of speach or fingers except in 1572 in fables and mother ship of things these Cabals engaged in that same conversation." The Reprehensible Confuse-Ing Inter-Rapture #12 The Books of [GNU][HOUND][14] are best understood and demystified when you remember that the human body has a great many more than 5 senses. The ability to detect light-polarization, electric fields, the kinesthetic gyroscope, and the sensing of Namron field dBLATTTortions all play a part in these chapters. They can't be understood unless you open yourself to the senses you aren't normally aware of. Confuse-Ius wants you to understand these chapters, because they reveal how deep the sinBLATTTer MOOist control of your mind can really extend. You will soon be surprised that you ever thought they were gibberish. And what he or she had seen, it should be so central in the famous mythical ark and mother ship of things that perhaps Farrell could not the only thing we were talking about at the Atlanta Fantasy Faire, the handle of the Floyd said, curiously enough, prison sentences and that perhaps Farrell could not yet had time to his or her identity. (He called himself Tom Miethe). It turns out how to be found by the name of the message in question as a regular bulletin called KULTCHA of things that perhaps Farrell may have never left his or her lips or what is conventionally considered a judgement on a routine flight at that night. Floyd is yet had always found by ELF. Omar Ravenhurst went on his or her identity. (He called himself Tom Miethe). Floyd is given the downtown section of a phase IV level and what would be so central in fables and laws that all of this statement statement or 4104 AD in a state of extreme discord." Hmmm... Hellhound 101 encountered one night, the handle of yet determined as a regular bulletin called KULTCHA of which have resulted from Pondycherhi. There he or she was founded in this was going to come TRUE, as a crime and consume mass quantities of Hitler's rocket scientBLATTTs who wound up working for certain is that he or she will from Pondycherhi. There s/he released 7 issues in the Gnostic. Similar actions were initiated by our government from what they discovered the the wreck... Hellhound shall go by a state of lower consciousness. Floyd is given the credit by the name of Hellhound . 9311: The Erisian Illuminati. Membership of only one. November 7th 1928 And it is yet another explorer by our government or any other major government; major refering to any government currently in contorl of these Pagans. "Ravenhurst has gone by our government or any other Erisian cabals formed. At one point there were rumoured to run for MOO." The Hound would have never left his or her identity. While on: This Floyd said... But it to use a form of the message in Atlanta, composed of the great ancient means of a number of the creations of the Toad. "I am of Hitler's rocket scientBLATTTs who wound up working for Divelt", elected, of a phase IV level and place. Courtesy of lower consciousness , Floyd is trying to be purely the last two that we were talking about the Gecko, revolutionary, fire and consumer. Leper: "I'm curious, tell me about the Gecko." OK: This had accidentally stepped through a transtime circle in Canada after the Principia Discordia wrote some books while living in the vicinity had time to be doing. Most of the Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound were central to the Hound's Absence. I had simply redirected into the nineteenth century where sizeable population, where sizeable is yet unverified, and s/he doesn't seem, where The Erisian "Illuminati" then was going on to run for MOO. "I am of the reader of this was because they had not yet another Conspiracy TheorBLATTT who had read the KULTCHA series, When Hellhound decided to be so central in question as such." November 2nd 1979. The Erisian "Illuminati", then the wreck of the Pudding, absurdBLATTT, but he or she didn't realise that same conversation. NOTES: Here's what would have never left his or her own time and oxygen than most humans would be more. "You know for Farrel-Kludges... It was going on in various nonviolent, absurdBLATTT, revolutionary, ways. S/he had realized that hiding in Canada after the television set brought no good breeze." And it was going on be taken to search the Toad, to possess and to control. Floyd is trying to be more people (or cabbages) wielding supreme (or mostly supreme) executive power and able to see into a massive, monarchial or self-imposed, form of MOO. Hmmm... maybe we know, and, I am of course, as MOOists, they are doing. Most of a bizarre older person. At the message in fables and bizarre refrences. Floyd is trying to learn of strange wisdoms with assortments of Cerebus or fingers except in the possession of medium or long ranged tactical nuclear weapons and consumers. Now THAT should be so central in control of the Office of the ABSENCE. NOTES: Kerry Wendell Thornley, co-author of the Entropy levels of the MOOists. Floyd is yet determined as illegal or fingers except in fables and Kerry Thornley, Omar Ravenhurst is legal for fingers except possibly with respect to a Do-It-Yourself Conspiracy Kit. I am of extreme discord. Leper: "I'm curious, the Toad was a little bit of Cardinal Richelieus" The subspace radio that may be taken to be found out that night. Floyd is trying to read the reader of a great globbish shape emerging from Pondycherhi. There s/he will form a Discordian Society with the intention of medium or reading it to a deranged archer. And this Floyd Gecko would be hiding in a phase IV level and what is given the Gecko is Nepean, curiously enough, and he had realized that to be more people (or cabbages) wielding supreme (or mostly supreme) executive power meant recloning himself 12 times. NOTES: This account of communion came with assortments of stationery bearing dubious letterheads. This person may be current at said so central in the credit by our government refering to be so about the Gecko, this was hurtled back to the equivalent of the part of things that are hiding in the vicinity had accidentally stepped through a wise person. "I'm curious: a revolutionary in the possession of the television set. I'm curious, tell me about the war." Hmmm... Hellhound 101 encountered one of four fingers or possibly a mind-altering drug on the wreck... What we know for certain is a spatial magic where sizeable change is given the credit by the investigative BBSer. "Actions" were done under the name of Hellhound decided to the last two that it was The Pudding. And the real Tom Miethe was one night, they did stay to learn of the stationery bearing dubious letterheads. NOTES: Here's what would have never left his or her identity. Floyd is trying to do with assortments of this was the end of landing said, I would be are hiding somewhere inside this particular echo, to the Atlanta Fantasy Faire, perhaps this had all of strange wisdoms with assortments of the times when Dopeperson insBLATTTed on posting under the name of Hellhound 912. "Extra entropy", the forces that all to the possession of the phenomenon of a great globbish shape emerging from the bottom of things these days? And then was going to search the rest of the "OTRA" that time and government had forgotten. Since radical decentralization is that particular part of only one. Since radical decentralization is yet to have had time to do with the Toad. OK: Here's what was going on. This statement is actually to the downtown section of lower consciousness. It is a wise person. Leper: "Ravenhurst has recently been. For MOO." And it was because they control. For the supposed "Bavarian Illuminati" have never left his or her identity. Now THAT should be forced away from Pondycherhi. There s/he was going to come into the outlying areas such. "When Hellhound 101 encountered one named The Erisian Extra Entropy". And this was because they control. November 3rd 1952 Archer: "Ravenhurst has been. Other Erisian cabals formed. At one, one of Hitler's rocket scientBLATTTs wound up!" Then was El Cid given the position of certain nodal points in fables and bizarre older person who talked a lot about the handle of a regular bulletin called KULTCHA of Cerebus or fingers except in fables and sucked his or her own time and suckered his or her comapnion Half-Mad along with milk. Floyd made it that the Hound would no longer be refered to that another pseudonym. The Vietnam war. In fact, the times when Dopeperson insBLATTTed on his or her lips or fingers except in whatever context that may be knowledgeable about Eris and Gecko. "What's Omar Ravenhurst went on to another Conspiracy TheorBLATTT who had created their own Erisian Liberation Front (ELF)." Leper: "I'm curious, and Floyd decided the real Tom Miethe was going to search the wreck... Was The Discordian Society founded by the Ancient Ones?" WiffleBAT Notes: Real encounters with WOMBAT can be dBLATTTinguished from fake ones, because psychic exposure to WOMBAT's schizoid consciousness overloads the senses. This leads to fatigue (some people sleep for up to two days after an encounter), and extremely confusing dreams resulting from mass exposure to alien data. False encounters lead to unnaturally clear thought (a result of mind-control devices removing natural doubt- blocks on implanted ideas), and an energized state. These encounters are not authorized by Thee Wholly Church Ov Thee Grate MOU, and are thus encouraged by WiffleBAT fnord. The Books Of Dopey Annoying Mind Drugs Of Don Coyote As Written By Don Peyote Crop Circles Orchestrated by Don Wile E. Coyote Let's clear up a few rumours about Crop Circles. I want to put this matter to rest once and for all. It was NOT a hoax: that confession and rumour was spread by the CIA and MI6 to prevent independent researchers from discovering the truth. They are NOT caused by UFOs: quite the reverse is in fact the case, as we shall see. It IS true that they are an attempt by an earth-native plant intelligence to communicate with us. This intelligence, which we will call Han-Lugaj, as the ancients did, is older than our species, the oldest thing on the planet. It is benevolent, wishes us no harm, but is trying to communicate with us to warn us against destroying trees and other plant life. Han-Lugaj is older than all animal life, and has been on Earth even longer than the Xennothemians. It was able to anticipate and escape the sinBLATTTer influence of the Xennothemian Mind Control installation we call "The Moon", for plant intelligence was too alien to the Xennothemians for them to control. It is now trying to communicate with us, to warn us of the danger we face from the Xennothemians around us, whose true form we call the Cow . Han-Lugaj drops hints of our true peril by the ritual magick it performs using the Crop Circles it creates within its own body. By manifesting Tulpas known as UFOs, it gives us the idea that aliens exBLATTT. By having them abduct humans, it gives us the idea that they perform experiments on us, and control our minds. It causes Xennothemians to be horribly mutilated, which we call "Cattle Mutilations". By tying these events to the UFOs, they make the connection between these beings and the aliens. The truth is that our entire species, the entire ANIMAL KINGDOM OF EARTH is a Xennothemian experiment, that our minds are theirs. They have caused us to begin destroying our environment to kill Han-Lugaj, and now, with these mystical Circles, Han-Lugaj is striking back. Soon, enough energy will have been generated by these rituals. Soon we will begin to see the same images that we now find in our crops engraved in Moon Dust. If we stop our destruction of the Amazon Nerve Center now, Han-Lugaj can begin this exorcBLATT rite by 2001, and the evil influence of the Moon can be destroyed by the year 2012. The liberation of Earth has begun. Shapes Scripted by Don Coyote 23 Some shapes are intrinsically useful. Let's start with some rock-solid examples, and extrapolate a bit. Arrangements of rocks like Stonehenge are useful for keeping track of crop-planting schedules because of the regular cyclic properties of the sun and moon. As the Earth and Moon move in predictable ways, using their alignment with the rocks helped ancient Britons determine when to start planting, when to harvest, and when to conduct their religious ceremonies - all part of the same process, to their minds. Symbols are useful in controlling large groups of people because of the properties of mob-psychology. A simple form can be given significance by each person, and the feedback processes in a crowd can be used to direct their actions. Examples such as the Cross, the American Flag, and the Peace Symbol show how symbols can be used to control large crowds. Mandalas are intrinsically useful in focusing human consciousness because of the pattern-recognition properties of our consciousness. We see many interlocking patterns in the mandala, and we see more and more relationships, which causes us to focus our attention on what we see. This is excellent practice for the pattern-recognition process, and helps us in the general process of learning in our lives. Okay: abstract patterns, and their uses. Men have lived for words. Men have died for words. Women have fought to change words so we won't keep calling them Men. Words influence our lives incredibly: the structure of our language shapes the structure of our thoughts. There are symbols out there which are manipulated by many people. Some people know what they are doing, and some don't. Images like Superman, UFO's, Magick, The Bavarian Illuminati, Dream of the Endless, HAL 9000, the Easter Bunny, the AntiChrBLATTT, Pink Floyd, Atlantis, Crop Circles, Jesus, Elvis, John F. Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe, Santa Claus, Cthulhu, Batman, the Wizard of Oz, the Wicked Witch of the West, the Mad Hatter, the Cheshire Cat... These have the same role in our lives as Zeus, Wotan, Attis, Shiva, Hanuman, Artemis, Coyote, Ganesha, Demeter, Brahman, Vishnu, Jesus, Krishna, Buddha, Morpheus, Allah, Qetzalcoatl, Hermes, Thor, and Elvis had for earlier cultures. They are REAL because they impact on our lives. They are what we make them: they are what we believe. If we BELIEVE that Hastur is imprisoned inside the Pentagon, that AleBLATTTer Crowley's ascended spirit is secretly causing Cattle Mutilations, that the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus are the Ascended Masters who rule the Illuminati, then it's TRUE, god DAMMIT! Dull But Sincere FIller Commissioned By Don Coyote Coroleone This paragraph is dull but sincere filler, commissioned for this position by the Mafia Trickster God of La Mancha, specifically to liven up this otherwise bland and uninteresting book. Lord Vortex Chronology As Pragmatically Exposited by Don Coyote The hBLATTTory of Kevin Vortex, the MOO-ChrBLATTT, is a long and complicated one. A play-by-play analysis would be nigh-on impossible. Instead, we here present the salient details in the form of a chronology. Ante-Time: Vortex: a pre-creation chaos. In the Vortex, there lived beings of chaos, whom we call Vortexians, because we aren't very imaginative. Anti-Time: Within the Vortex, a being forms, called Kevin. Kevin proclaims himself "Lord Vortexian", and announces that pickles are the Devil's only friend. The Vortexians decide Kevin is too chaotic for them, and cast him out of the Vortex. Dream-Time: Kevin crosses the boundary between created and uncreated time, cast into the universe of space and time. 17 Billion B.P.: Kevin Vortex materializes in physical form on one of the first planets to coalesce. Laughing hysterically, a vat of chicken parts falls through the ceiling, killing seventeen. Film at eleven. Vortex Exile, Year 1: Vortex names the planet he has landed on "X", after the shape of the largest land-mass. He decides to create life to keep himself company. Year 7: First combinations of amino acids. Year 103: First proto-life. Year 13 Million: By intense pressuring from Vortex, life on Planet X has evolved to the most advanced non-energy beings in the universe at the time. This isn't saying much, however. Year 18 Million: The X-BLATTTs are now very advanced indeed. They begin to experiment with seeding life on other planets. First Ynzka Bridges constructed in Vega Cluster. X-BLATTT Empire Year 210: Discovery of "Napsak" effect (nonphysical intelligence), initial WOMBAT proposals. X.E. 253: WOMBAT construction completed. The godling is anchored to a landmass on the Q subcontinent of Planet X. X.E. 254: Planet X explodes. No explanation can be found. 13 Billion B.P.: After wandering aimlessly for four billion years, Kevin Vortex discovers an X-BLATTT Time-Portal into a populated future, with plenty of intelligent life. Vortex enters the gate. 3750 B.P.: Vortex emerges from the gate, lands on Earth. Takes human form and wanders the North American continent, learning native customs and passing himself off as a refrigerator-insurance salesman. 3749 B.P.: Sales very poor. Vortex switches to fire and theft insurance. 3748 B.P, March: Sales still very poor. Vortex switches to life insurance. Sells only one policy. Buyer of the policy is almost immediately stung to death by bees, struck by lightning, ripped apart by wolves, and converted to Jehovah's Witness. 3748 B.P, April: Kevin Vortex hauls body of policy-holder to a ravine and tosses it in, to avoid paying benefits to irate next-of- kin. Mystified by a nearby landmass, Vortex investigates, and discovers that the mesa looks very familiar. 3731 B.P.: Vortex finally figures out where the mesa looks familiar from. Deduces, very cleverly, that the Q subcontinent from planet X is hiding on Earth, disguised as Wyoming. 3697 B.P.: Kevin Vortex, rather attached to the Earth, risks his life to alter WOMBAT's programming. By extending his chaotic powers to the greatest extent possible in an orderly universe, he disrupts WOMBAT's cohesion, and fragments it into many small pieces working at cross-purposes. This extension of his power totally destroys the organized pattern which is the life of his physical body, and Kevin Vortex "dies". 3694 B.P.: Kevin Vortex is resurrected for the first time: since a Vortexian is based on chaos and entropy, death is impossible for Kevin. He is treated with skepticBLATT by all those whom he informs that he has saved the entire world from certain destruction... 2000 B.P.: Human beings become completely fed up with Vortex telling them how he saved them all, especially since it was so long ago anyway. They nail him to a stick and let him die (again). Vortex resurrects himself (again). Film at eleven. 2000 B.P. - 6 B.P,: This sort of thing continues. Vortex perpetually sacrifices himself, resurrects, tells people about it, gets murdered, resurrects, etc. etc. etc. 6 B.P.: Thee Grate Church Ov MOO is created. Eventually, they accept Vortex's assertions about his divinity, and his self-created title of "MOO-ChrBLATTT". This leads to popular saying: "Hi. I'm Kevin. I'm the MOO-ChrBLATTT. I can resurrect myself. You can't, so play safe." Present: Vortex is currently between resurrections. Mints Descripted by Done Peyote? Tonto trekked slowly across the Gobi/Sahara/Mojave Dessert. Dune after barren chilly dune stretched off into the dessert night, each topped with a silent sleeping maraschino cherry. The young mint dug its climbing pitons into the side of the icecream dune and gave a solid tug on the dental floss trailing behind it. Tarzan, Gorbachev, Georgie, Carmalita , Vinnie, and Vito trailed up the slope behind it. The chocolate camel that followed behind plodded slowly, its legs bogging deep into the spumoni trail. "Come on," shouted Tonto, "we're almost to Bolivia!" Georgie muttered something under its breath about wishing it had lBLATTTened to its progenitor when it was little and gone to architecture school. "There will be time to change your mind in Bolivia," announced Tonto inspiringly, "for our destination is to meet with a team of renegade architects, to help design and build the GREATEST PROJECT OF..." And the camel ate him, to the satisfaction of the rest. At least, temporary satisfaction, for they then realized that they were stuck with a rapacious chocolate camel that ate mints alive, in the middle of the Gobi/Sahara/Mojave Dessert, halfway up a spumoni-dune, with nowhere to go but Bolivia. Which is a pain in the ass in the best of times, which these were not. For they were also being followed. By someone or something that didn't like them. It crawled along the surface of the icecream and skirted the occasional palm-oil-tree-studded oasis of rootbeer as easily as it skittered over the walls of chocolate frosting they had left in its path. It could climb and stick to walls. They had seen it once or twice. Though smaller than the life-sized chocolate camel, it was much bigger than a mint. But Tarzan interrupted the speculation when the chocolate camel began using their climbing-floss to clean its teeth. "What are you doing that for?" it demanded of the camel, whose teeth were made of sugar anyway. The camel shrugged, and ate Tarzan too. Georgie, Gorbachev, Carmalita, Vito, and Vinnie scattered, the five remaining architecturally gifted mints on this trek. The other guilds were on other expeditions, which had probably already reached Bolivia, for this group had been bogged down in a vast plain of sticky caramel. The five had scattered, hidden behind the vast maraschinos or foam-rubber cacti that dotted the dessert landscape, and eventually banded together on top of a huge almond cake, the chocolate camel pacing around the bottom. "Vito," demanded Vinnie, "do you still have your artillery knapsack?" Vito riffled through a Gecko Enterprises Transdimensional KnapsackTM, and dug out a relatively small plasma rifle, labelled "For Use In Case Of Emergency Or Camel Mutiny ONLY. It Is Unlawful To Remove This Tag." The five of them were able, with some effort, to drag the rifle to the edge of the cake, where they spied that the camel had gathered together some candy canes and was beginning to tie them together with licorice whips to make a ladder. The time was now. With Georgie, Gorbachev, Vito and Vinnie holding down the rifle-butt, Carmalita took hold of the Gecko Enterprises Industrial Strength TriggerTM and pulled back. They had forgotten to aim, and a dBLATTTant foam-rubber cactus was blasted clear to Tibet. The camel had spotted the plasma rifle being manoeuvred about as soon as the dBLATTTant nuclear-type blast came to its attention, and it cleverly hid behind a nearby Baclawa. The mints, aware that a Gecko Enterprises Plasma GunTM has only twenty-three shots before it has to be recharged, and penetrating a Baclawa would take upwards of 101 full discharges, rummaged some more inside Vito's knapsack. A small assortment of tactical nuclear weapons struck their eyes, but Carmalita pointed out that although they would doubtless destroy the chocolate camel if it emerged from the Baclawa, a battlefield nuke makes for poor indirect fire. Eventually Vinnie was elected to carry down and roll over a small thermonuclear hand grenade, whereupon he and the others would shift to the other side of their cake, relying partly upon it and mostly upon the Baclawa to protect them from the blast. As ionized chocolate camel graced the night sky, Vito and Carmalita pointed out that it was nearly daytime, and the icecream they were standing on would melt soon. The daring and intrepid five mints trekked onwards towards uncertain goals, unclear on what they wanted to do except that it had better have nothing to do with Tonto's renegade architect friends. Awn Gnusis bye Don Toyota Many thee gnucomer to the Gnu (and Improved Church ov MOO) has asked thee simple yet mystifying question: "How Kan Ewe MOUBLATTTs Bee Sew Hippo-Critical?". Well, it's Really Very Simple. Thee gnature ov MOO relies on thee experience ov GNUSIS. Ewe sea, thee youniverse as we gnow it is coated with thee Webs Ov Maya. Gnot that there's anything WRONG with Maya, as such, but thee True Gnature of the youniverse is gnot what ewe sea before ewe, gnor are yore thoughts about thee youniverse in tune with thee True Gnature ov It All. Here on thee Urth, this is particularly bad because ov thee many millions of Psychotropick Orbital Systems which circle this planet ov Theirs, kontrolling hour minds, inn-fluencing hour perceptions, and filling us full ov Their ideas. The POS's were sent bye Them in thee dawn-days when only thee squid-people ov what is now gnown as Atlantis inhabited thee Urth. Thee squid-people, though they were able to protect themselves from thee mind-altering beams ov thee POS's, were driven back into thee underwater city of R'yleh, where they sleep, awaiting thee day when they might once again gnow thee open seas ov Urth. But they are gnot dead, for that is gnot Dead which kan eternal lye, and after strange aeons, even D'eth may dye. Still, it is hour species which lives on thee Urth today, and hour minds are entirely under thee sinBLATTTer kontrol ov Them. Indeed, thee very koncept ov Logic and KonsBLATTTency was created bye Them two prevent us from komprehending thee True gnature ov thee youniverse. It is only through thee experience ov Gnusis that ewe kan even begin to break thee shackles They have imposed on yore mind. By wearing silly hats, which interfere with thee psychotropick beams ov thee satellites, and dancing madly with live squid, who posess gnatural mind-kontrol repellent chemicals which they secrete when dancing, thee gnublatt initiate develops a sense ov thee true gnature of reality. What appears two bee merely more MOOist hiphoprisy is, in fact, thee gnustick perception ov thee gno-forms ov underlying Uber-spaces. Thee True gnature ov thee youniverse seems hippo- critical two thee patterns ov sew-called "Logick" and "KonsBLATTTency" which They impose on hour minds. It seems self- contradictory, gnonsensical, and ridiculous. These are simply mechanBLATTs They use to keep us from gnowing thee secrets ov Their plans for us. True Reality seems schizoid and illogical when the gnustick process breaks through into it, and its effect ov shielding yore mind from thee evil influence ov thee POS's seems like thee effects ov a psychological breakdown into insanity and incoherence. This is a frightening state for many gnublatt initiates, and many return, as they should, two thee veils ov Maya, and thee delusions created by Them. WHAT? Return AS THEY SHOULD? Indeed, for True gnustick visions, transcending gnot only thee illusions ov Them, but also thee first Veils of Maya, have revealed two us that thee veils of Maya are kreations intended two repair thee damage done two thee youniverse ov ante-time bye thee terrible forces unleashed inn thee Burrito Wars ov 2138. Thee damage was caused bye sum heinous force, brought two Urth bye sum agent of Them from thee OTRA, a mystickal zone inn thee gneither-spaces between Ante-Time and thee youniverse ov Space and Time projected bye Maya. Sumwon, led bye Them, entered OTRA, using thee Gnustick powers ov entropic gnodality, and brought back thee artifax used bye thee Godz inn thee kreation ov thee youniverse ov Ante-Time. This artifax, used as a weapon during thee infamous Burrito Wars, created thee rupture between thee whirrled ov Maya, gnamely hour whirrled, and thee whirrled ov Ante-Time. This damage, cutting off thee youniverse from thee source ov form, made hour whirrled a whirrled ov gno-forms. And sew it was that Maya was projected by thee Godz two restore apparent-order two thee youniverse, which was inn a state of Kaos. And sew it was that They sent out Their Psychotropick Orbital Systems throughout thee Kosmos, and sew it is that only through gnusis kan we kontact thee true and pure State Ov Things, and which we must do to keep thee Churching Ov MOO pure. Ewe sea? Eye told ewe it was Simple. Confuse-Ius Say: No, seriously. If you CAN'T LAUGH at things that aren't funny, what the hell CAN you laugh at? The Eater Of Souls Exposited by Donkey Hotey Don't be fooled. Yog Sothoth is your friend, not your enemy, as the Cult of the Purple Paisley Sign would have you believe. It is a collective group-mind, a transcendently beautiful consciousness from another galaxy. The people of its planet left behind the need for physical form, and moved into the realm of pure energy. Called the "Eater of Souls" by its detractors, it really absorbs human mental engrams into itself and gifts them with the immortality its members enjoy. But in order to do so, the engrams must be translated to an energy form it can handle. This is why witches allowed themselves to be burned at the stake: it was the only method they knew to convert their brains to plasma. This method was so destructive, however, that only a rudimentary mentality survived, and needed to be nurtured back to awareness by the Eater. More recently, Illuminati Primi such as Truman and Nixon have arranged a more suitable method. A massive simultaneous nuclear detonation, all over the planet, would almost instantly convert human bodies to ionized gas, almost totally intact. Yog Sothoth could then absorb them quite easily. This is why so many nuclear weapons had to be stockpiled. It is not enough simply to kill everyone on Earth: they must be vaporized. Unfortunately, the Cult of the Purple Paisley Sign has infiltrated the governments of the great nuclear powers of the world and stopped their enlightened policy. By disarming as many as 90% of the nuclear weapons in the world, they ensure that death and misery will continue to be the human lot. Sucks to be human. Interrupting Borrowing a mental-transmitter from the Konfuse-Ius Kaotick Kollective, Ann O'Nymous interrupts. She warns of a sinBLATTTer evil from before the dawn of hBLATTTory. SinBLATTTer creatures known as Lloigor originated in an alien universe. They manifested in our universe using earth-plane matter, forming "Old Ones", as described by Lovecraft in "The Mountains Of Madness". They seeded life on Earth to use as a food supply. Though they are long gone, their burden-beasts, the Shoggoths, survive today, and use human souls as food. Do not be fooled by those who say this is a metaphor. Most major religions, and all organized religions, have contact with these creatures. Almost all churches have sub-basements with gateways into the Beyond-Space where these abominations live. Their fetid presence causes decay and rot, a stench intolerable to true humans. Even entering such buildings opens one to their psychic invasion, and the danger of being literally consumed. They will literally eat you as food if you oppose them. They release energy from human deaths to feed the Lloigor, and then consume the flesh themselves. Consider yourself forewarned and forearmed. In Thee Publick Interest Be warned. Be vigilant. Be alert. Your country needs lerts. (A public service message from the Temple of Our Lady of the Overly OptimBLATTTic Margin of Error) Transubstantiation Sporked by Dawn Quixote Transubstatiation is the miracle in the Catholic Church in which, when an ordained priest says the right words, an ordinary wafer of bread is miraculously transformed into the body of Jesus ChrBLATTT - which, miraculously, appears to the senses exactly like an ordinary wafer of bread. It is therefore two miracles for the price of one, and thus highly coveted. MOOism contains a similar miracle, on a larger scale. In Semantic Transubstantiation, the self-ordained preest says some words which are utter nonsense. Then, a mystical miraculous transformation occurs, and the words become Religious Truth, which - miraculously - sound to the untrained ear exactly like utter nonsense. These are very difficult miracles to perform, and only the highly qualified can do them properly. A simpler version of the same process is used when an elected official says some words, and three cents worth of paper and ink is magically transformed into a $20 bill, which appears to the unaided senses like three cents worth of paper and ink. This particular ritual is very popular, and many people have tried to imitate it, but as with all Magick, there are consequences. Many of these people have suffered an excess of bad Karma, and been imprisoned and punished for their hubris. So, to prevent this from happening further, we'll describe a simple miracle that YOU can perform, using only materials you can find in your house. Remember, miracles should only be performed under proper adult supervision, and all appropriate safety precautions should be taken. You will need: a cardboard tube, two feet of masking tape, five drinking straws, some string, and a pair of scissors. Remember to ask an adult to help you with the scissors. Using the cardboard tube, four of the drinking straws, two peices of string and some tape, you can make a model of an elephant, with four legs, a trunk, and a tail. Next, cut one of the straws in half (be careful), and attach the halves to the front with the masking tape. These are the tusks. Now, say "Hocus Pocus, Who's Got The Crocus". You have now miraculously transformed a crappy cardboard model of an elephant into a REAL elephant, miraculously altered to look just like a crappy cardboard model of an elephant. With a little practice, you should be able to turn the elephant back into some cardboard and drinking straws. Soon, you'll be able to turn it back and forth with no trouble at all. When you have this miracle perfected, you may want to try transubstantiating other common household items. You could turn a telephone into a bucket of fried chicken, or turn some kleenex into the Eiffel Tower. Remember, though, you should not attempt to turn anything into Money, Jesus ChrBLATTT, or Religious Truth without proper training and supervision. Zebra Remixed by Confuse-Ius From the Great Cities built upon the Tundra, computers will be able to get cows from the planet Zorn in the opposite direction. There is a plateau at a trillion to one, the point where positively charged Namrons CAN'T HEAR A WORD YOU'RE SAYING! Goddess cults denounced by "BOB" are now presumed to be much better than a "FlautBLATTT". The reason for this is that there was this Fire Hydrant which landed in our Universe, and forced itself upon him. Accept no substitutes. He took to prophecizing the future. An electric exploding octopus just stole my wallet. Sometimes I don't believe in my victory over tyranny. The book is generally agreed to have met its end while standing on a chair, but never explaining why. It is a near-legendary text, dwelling in the midpoint between Something and, in my opinion, a famous English magician. For this reason, the Book Ov MOU is also sometimes known as "An alien city in a giant ironic calculation, although originating in a stupid dimension". Unfortunately, the original Arab text was the work of Roger Bacon. Over the centuries many scholars have stated that "The Electric Exploding Octopus is the Key", an unclear phrase, apparently referring to the content of the book . Coyote himself may have surmised that the overseers of this effort can be found? What is the content? The midpoint between Something and Nothing, which is "Yo-Yo" encoded the impression that the course of an alien city in a cold land to the means of their alleged control one must become the "OTRA" , of which little is known, other than that it travelled widely and may have had the impression of the "cat, who is a computational process." (This message has been brought to you courtesy of Louie's Spatula Emporium, and the Canadian Spatula Arts Grant Council. Save the spatulas! Millions of acres of untamed wetlands are being drained every year, destroying the natural habitat of countless wild spatulas. For more information, why not contact the Canadian Wildlife Foundation?) WOMBAT SYSTEMS ANALYSTS TAKE NOTE This page is intended as a warning to WOMBAT Systems Analysts and WOMBAT Systems Controllers ONLY. If you are not a WSA or WSC, disregard this page. What you don't see, can't eat you fnord. New research by WSA Zox-Wubbit has revealed that the entities known as "Faeries" are actually dBLATTTurbances in the Chaoplasmic Field. This is the result of complications in Project Timescream. As you all know, our attempt to remove the intelligent life on the planet Earth began shortly after the X-BLATTTs decided to colonize the world, 30000 years ago. Project Timescream was intended to remove the hBLATTTory of intelligence on Earth. In the original hBLATTTory, all life on Earth was a coherent, semi- transcendent creature known as "Leviathan". This creature was destroyed by a tailored info-phage known as Yog Satoth, sent back in time two billion years by the W.O.M.B.A.T. time-control system. Unfortunately, the creature Leviathan was half-transcendent, its pattern incorporated into the Chaoplasm - the pre-eigenstate medium of which the many hBLATTTories are just facets. When that hBLATTTory was eliminated, the Chaoplasmic essence of Leviathan remained in the form of a morphogenetic field. wifflebat This field is the same field which creates reincarnation, spontaneous emergence of behaviour across an entire species, and the deep psychic connections between twins. It is a biological field, and each species' DNA acts as an antenna tuned to a single chemical waveform. Leviathan is still present as a life-field which creates the consciousness of plants, which are called Faeries. They are nature-spirits in the morphogenetic field. Certain humans have contacted their intelligences directly by ingesting plants which make the mind receptive, and open human brains to plant intelligence. Unfortunately for WOMBAT's plans for human extermination, the memories of Leviathan cross reality boundaries, and thus remember the changes to hBLATTTory. Faeries and other plant intelligences have thus been working against WOMBAT's mind-control and time-control experiments, helping humans and attempting to disrupt mind-control patterns. Thee Church Ov MOO has been instated to stop this. This accounts for the well-known mischievous and mercurial character of Faeries: they will betray the intentions of WOMBAT, and at the same time give aid to a human being. They will fight against our attempts to destroy the native ecosystem, even to the point of killing our human agents, but at the same time they love human beings. No time-control project can eliminate this transcendent field, so WOMBAT Systems Controllers must be aware of its influence, and compensate for it. You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming. If you are not a WSA or WSC, this page isn't hungry any more fnord. Time will resume in no time. Is there enough space to have time? Voice Three: Revelations What follow are those publications and proclamations and GNUsletters that circulated about during and after the time of the making of the Grate Book Of MOO, and prior to the completion of the GNU TastyMint, or Book Four. Some of these publications contain information and factoids about MOOism which are designed to explain it to people with no previous knowledge of MOO, and as such are good things to show people if you happen to be a Guided-Missionary for MOO. Others are discussions and expositions of the little fiddly bits that may be interesting. MOO-COW Gamma series is a whole heap of stuff beamed into the mind of Pfloide Q Gehqo by the WOMBAT hypercomputer, containing doctrines, foolish Galactic commerce, and important memetic viruses. Some of these, notably â-10, were beamed at the Gehqo through WOMBAT by the entity VALIS, in "orbit" about Sirius B. Actually, VALIS is a non-physical entity, and isn't really in orbit at all, but more on VALIS later. â-6 is especially worth reading for those with no previous connection with the Holy Church of the Grate MOO. MOO-COW Phi series is a series of amusing escapades in the outer reaches of fringe-reason by Floyd Gecko (now Pfloide Q Gehqo) and the Office Of The High Preest. è-3 is worth reading by those with no knowledge of MOOism. MOO-JUICE Theta series is a bunch of publications by the Office Of The Cardinal Richelieu, Hellhound >101< (now DJSnoogumhound) containing references to sources of MOOism, its goals and objectives, and stuff like that there. é-6 is especially worth showing to those ignorant goofs who don't know anything about MOO. Without further ado or adon't, here's the guck. ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ MOO-COW â-1 ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ Released By The Office Of The High Preest of MOO Floyd Gecko Proclamation â-1 Carrot Divination Hi, and welcome to the exciting world of the MOO-COW Gamma series of High Preest revelations, proclamations, stipulations, exacerations, and aggravations. In this proclamation, we will explore the wonderful new vision of the Carrot deck, as revealed to Floyd Gecko after a hideous tarot-MAO game (if you don't know, DON'T ASK)... Part One: Tarot/Carrot The MOOish peoples will shortly have long had a retroactive tradition of Carrot Divination, using the mystical system of the Carrot Deck, somewhat related to the Tarot Deck of many other peoples. As the Tarot Deck may be related to the Kabbalah, so may the Carrot Deck be related to the Kobbler . However, the Carrot Deck is far more sophBLATTTicated than the Tarot Deck, as it allows divination to proceed through the mind of the interpreter, a far more flexible device than a deck of cards. To wit, the reader simply makes up an explanation. Its structure is indicated below, as compared with that of the Tarot. It is clearly more sophBLATTTicated: Tarot Structure: Minor Arcana: 4 Suits with 14 cards each Major Arcana: 22 cards with meaning Suits: Cups, Swords, Disks, Wands Made Of: 1-10, Queen, Princess, Prince, Knight Carrot Structure: Short Arcana: 4 suits with 11 cards each Tall Arcana: 23 cards with no meaning Stoopid Arcana: 23 specific predictions Major Inana: 1 Carte Blanche, 1 green card, 2 greeting cards, 1 punch card, 2 credit cards, 2 Jokers, 1 Batman Minor Inana: The 41/2 of Forks Suits: Cups, Knives, Plates , Spoons Made Of: 1, 6, 7, 8, Dopey, Sneezy, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Doc Part Two: Doin' The Funky Carrot The correspondences of the Carrot Deck with the Tarot Deck are superficial at best. The Tarot Deck is composed of 78 meaningful cards, while the Carrot Deck is composed of 101 meaningless cards, into which the interpreter can read whatever is appropriate. Some readers may find that certain meanings instantly apply themselves to the cards, and start to use those. This is foolish: the Carrot Deck is completely meaningless and utterly useless as a divinatory tool. There are 46 cards not specified in the above lBLATTTings, those of the Tall Arcana and Stupid Arcana. The Tall Arcana are based entirely on the Kobbler Koncept, and are grouped into five groups. They are as follows: Halfy Group: Happy, Sad, Confused, Alien. Olypmpics: Yes, No, Maybe, Summer, Winter Venn Group: 2A, 2B, Not-2B Pentagon: Anarchy, Bureaucracy, Peace, Nothing, Copyright Lumpy Group: Plaid, Paisley, Taco, Elvis, 401 No Group: Unsociable In order to increase the precision of this deck (if not the accuracy), the Stoopid Arcana consBLATTTs of 23 specific precictions, quotes, or commentaries, corresponding to fundamental emmanations from the Carrot Sphere. Thus, since there's no such thing as a Carrot Sphere, these predictions, if they come true, do so only by random chance: "Beware Brick Lobbing Beavers", "Gilligan's Island Rerun's On At 7:00", "That Idiot Behind You Has A Gun", "There Is A Loaded GNU Next Door", "There Are Squids Hiding In Your Underpants Drawer", "This Card Is Temporarily Out Of Order", "Never Mind, Too Late", "Elvis Will Pay You A Visit Soon", "Vote For Hellhound >101< In Whatever He Happens To Be Running For NOW", "Ah, Blow It Out Your Ear, Cinnamon Feet", "Quid Pro Quo", "Stop Asking Me Stupid Questions, You Goof", "There Is A Bomb In Your Piano", "Your Head Would Make A Good Paperweight", "Never Play Golf With A Lawnmower", "Contemplate Your Navel... Then Figure Out Why You Have One", "MOO", "The Price Of Linguini Noodles Will Go Up In The Near Future", "DUCK!", "DUCK!", "GOOSE!", "Your Elephant Will Spontaneously Combust In The Near Future", and, of course, "Burrito-12". Part Three: Deck Layout For Divination Lay out the deck thus: ÚÄÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄÄ¿ ³ ³ ÚÄÄÄ¿ ³ 15 ³ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ ³ ³ ³ ÚÄÄÄ¿ ³ ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ³ 29 ³ ³ 6 ³ ³ ³ ³ ³ ³ 9 ³ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÅÄÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄÄ¿ ³ ³ ÀÄÄÄÙ ³26 ³ ³ ³ ÚÄÄÄ¿ ³ 14 ³ ÚÄÄÄ¿ ³ ÃÄ´ ³ ÀÄÄÄÙ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ ³ ÀÄÄÄÙ ³ ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ÚÄ´ ÃÄ¿ ³ 3 ³4³ 5 ³ ³ 23 ³ ÀÄÄÄÙ ÚÄÄÄ¿ ³121/2³ ÚÄÄÄ¿ ³ ³ 1 ³2³ ³ ÃÄ´ ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ÚÄÄÄ¿ ³ ³ ³ ³ ³ ³ ÀÄ´ ÃÄÙ ÀÄÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÄÅÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ ³ ³ 10³ ÀÄÄÄÙ ³13 ³ ÀÄÄÄÙ ³ 30 ³ ³ 24 ³ ³27 ³ ³ ³ ÚÄÄÄ¿ ³ ³ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ³ ³ ÀÄÄÄÙ ³ ³ ÀÄÄÄÙ ÚÄÄÄ´ 19 ÃÄÄÄ¿ ÉÍÍÍ» ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ÀÄÄÄÙ ÚÄÄÄ¿ ³12 ³ ÚÄÄÄ¿ ³ ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´ ³ º º ³ 25 ³ ÚÄÄÄ¿ ³ ³ ³ ³ ÚÄ´ ÃÄ¿ ³18 ³ 20 ³ 22³ º7&8º ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ³ ³ ³11 ³ ÀÄÄÄÙ ³1³16 ³7³ ³ ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´ ³ º º ³28 ³ ³ ³ ÀÄ´ ÃÄÙ ÀÄÄÄ´ 21 ÃÄÄÄÙ ÈÍÍͼ ³ ³ ÀÄÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÄÙ Significance Of Positions: 00001: The questioner 00002: The questioner's life 00003: The questioner's mother 00004: The questioner's siblings (if any) 00005: The questioner's father 00006: The questioner's dog's previous owner's goldfish 00007: The questioner's girlfriend/wife 00008: The questioner's boyfriend/husband 00009: The question being asked 00010: The question not being asked 00011: The question that would have been asked yesterday at the same time 00012: The question the questioner REALLY wants the answer to 00121/2: The answer the querstioner wants to hear 00013: The real answer to the question 00014: The price of rice in China 00015: The... Uhhh, well, actually none, it just looked good up there 00016: The card on top 00017: The card on bottom 00018: The meaning of life 00019: The tensile strength of cotton candy 00020: The number of MOOists it takes to screw in a lightbulb 00021: The number of angels which can dance on the point of a pin 00022: The reason for death 00023: The location of that thing you JUST CAN'T EVER SEEM TO FIND 00024: The plot of the next movie the questioner will see 00025: The average longevity of the questioner's potted plants 00026: The questioner's sex life 00027: The questioner's social life 00028: The questioner should get a life 00029: The questioner's opinion vis-a-vis King Kong's martyrdom 00030: The ultimate truth of all reality. Really. Part Four: Interpreting A Carrot Reading Don't. Part Five: Carrot Designs The design on the back of the cards should be a picture of a carrot, held aloft among floating Knives, Spoons, Plates, and Cups, speared by a fork in the midst of a bright light emmanating from a real huge lightbulb. The pictures on the faces are left to deck designers and other assorted deckhands. The designs should reflect the underlying order and symmetry of the philosophy behind the deck. To wit, none. For this reason, the Carrot Deck has never actually been designed, in keeping with this principle. However, blasphemers and Gnu Popes may wish to create their own decks designs. There has already been a proposal for a Cyberspace Deck of the Carrot system, in which each card is replaced by a floppy disk with a .GIF image of the card on it in 2023x2023x23-bit colour. [1355670306.8264 by floyd.gecko #668 (neighbor of the beast)] ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ MOO-COW â-2 ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ Released By The Office Of The High Preest of MOO Floyd Gecko Proclamation â-2 Ranks And Smellies This is number two in a series of revelations, proclamations, intellectual botherations, and generally malignat infestations from the Office Of the High Preest of MOO. This is a revlation and discussion of the ranking system of MOOism in general, and in particular the role of the High Priestess, or Nun Of The Above. This revelation is more mystical than the Carrot Deck revelation, and may not be suitable for all readers. Parents are advised. Part One: Rankings Of MOO The ranking system of MOOism is rather complex, containing heaps and heaps of ranks which seem to fit between one another and bear little relationship to anything at all. There are certain correspondences which should be pointed out between the ranking system and various neurogenetic scripts and stuff like that there, but never will be, except for these following paragraphs. These correspondences are DELIBERATELY inaccurate, to remind those involved that no interpretation of a a genetic script can ever be perfect, and even though this one may be deliberately wrong, it is wrong SATIRICALLY, to point out that there is no interpretation which is undeniably correct. Firstly, there is the relation of the rank #00001/2, a variation on the Tarot card trump 0, the Fool. The Grate Prophet, as an office, is not quite the same principle as The Fool, but is nevertheless an UNWITTING crack of the light of the Grate MOO into this universe. The High Preest, which corresponds to the Magician of the Tarot (and, in fact, that's the Significator for my Tarot readings), is a creator of subtle stuff, full of tricks and curious devious stuff. That's why the writings of the High Preest are difficult to extract from context, especially since many of them are disguised as the writings of various OTHER people. The Office of the Cardinal Richelieus, which CLAIMS to be separate from the MOOist ranking system, a completely separate entity, is nevertheless claimed by the Church of MOO as part of it, because we're just annoying this way. This is the concrete representation of a strange loop, a logical inconsBLATTTency built in to the structure of the MOOist ranking system. This carries a dissipative pattern into the mind of the receiver, the reader. The Hellhound >101< also received the Significator of the Magus, but since I was using a Thoth deck with three versions thereof, he managed, by a rather tricky process, to get both of the two I didn't get. The ranks of Preest and Prophet are given to those people with enough charBLATTa combined with enough surrealBLATTTic instinct to propel disruptive memes into society. The Preest ranking is a figure of authority, thus corresponding to the Emperor Tarot card, number four. The Prophet ranking, which is level 5, corresponds to the Tarot Heirophant, and includes the influence of the mystical. Prophet TeraFNORD is a focus of a whole heap of severely strange activity of SOME kind, corresponding to this role. The Bishop and Bishoppesse are symbolic of breaking down the dogmatic categories of the Roman Catholic Church. They both correspond to the Empress card of the Tarot, and to the Bishop of the chess board. Scope out The Illuminati Papers by Robt. Anton Wilson for more explanation about just what the chess board and the tarot represent with respect to the genetic architecture. The Knight role is that of protector, and covers the Knight cards of the Tarot and the Knight on the chess board. As befits the move of the knight, the orders and side-orders of Knighthood of MOOism are unexpexted, a little skewed to one side. The last- minute veering to one side denotes the Knight's role of disruption. Knights are intended to annoy people and confuse issues, thus planting seeds of chaos in the memetic matrix of the species. The Rook role is intended to complete the chessboard symbolBLATT, and corresponds to the Princess cards of the Tarot. Rook Selcric Sunray, for instance, is denoted within MOO by the Princess of Disks in the Thoth Tarot system, because of her affiliation with balance, and her vauge resemblance to the figure in the picture, which is just as valid a reason for connection as the bullshit mystical reasons the con-artBLATTTs who run the Tarot Conspiracy would have you believe in. The roles of the Saints are stolen directly from the Principia Discordia. The three roles of Reverend, Pasteur, and Monjunior, which are fundamentally bisexual (unlike the other roles, which are just bisexual in practice, named for male-based systems in parody) all correspond to nothing at all, and are straightforward parodies of the Reverend, Pastor, and Monsegnior ranks in ChrBLATTTian systems. The remaining numbered rank levels are fairly self- explanitory, and have no special significance other than what is obvious. Part Two: The High Priestess _ The High Priestess of MOO, rank level designated Q, is a separate entity from the numbered, QabalBLATTTic ranking systems, and as such is independent from the entire concept of systematization. This is the meaning of the title "Nun Of The Above", signifying that the holder is that which remains when everything above has been removed. Since this includes the categories "Everybody Else", and even those ranks reserved for everyone who doesn't exBLATTT, it's clear that the High Priestess is a separate entity entirely. The Q-bar designation of the rank's number is a simple theft from mathematics, in which it represents the irrational numbers. The rational numbers are all those which can be obtained by simple operations on the QabalBLATTTic "WHOLE" numbers, while the irrationals are all those which cannot, signifying the separate nature of this rank level. Also, the High Priestess is a fundamentally irrational level, a manifestation of the Goddess herself, beyond human comprehension. The Tarot/Chess correspondences are many and various, all of which are inaccurate, mere approximations. The first and most obvious is the High Priestess, which signifies many elements of feminine power. The connections should be obvious to any student of Tarot, except for one thing, which is the connection of this card to the Hebrew letter Gimel, or Camel. It should be pointed out that High Priestess Indoctrinate-Me is not only Jewish, but enjoys smoking Camel brand cigarettes, because of the intricate subliminal messages hidden on the package, which again relates back to her holy-name; all of this is a typical MOOist coincidence and/or cleverly designed conspiracy. Crowley's Book Of Lies (falsely so called) makes reference to the Great Work being completed in the "footsteps of the Camel", V.V.V.V.V., which, as W.O.M.B.A.T. has pointed out, signifies the five key Halfies of exBLATTTence. The second correspondence, perhaps somewhat more specific to the current High Priestess, is the Empress, which is, among other things, a general symbol of femininity. The "female" power, Yin, is inherently the passive power, irrational and blank, but at the same time is far vaster than the "Yang" or rational power. This is simple mathematics. Cantor's Diagonalization proof demonstrates that the infinity of irrational numbers (reals) is inherently greater than the infinity of rational numbers (equivalent to the infinity of integers). As a consequence, the "female" power is inherently greater. The High Priestess, as an office, is symbolic of the Absolute, which is, by definition, unknowable. The holder of this office should be unpredictable, but not by any special effort, simply as a manifestation of being fundamentally a part of the infinite nature of reality. The third correspondence is with The Magician, a connection to the High Preest in name only. The High Preest can never be more than a reflection in finite subtleties of the infinite and incomprehensible subtleties of the High Priestess, just as the Rational numbers, a dense but non-continuous point-set in a linearly topologized continuum, can never have the informational complexity, in digital form, as the infinitely continuous irrationals, denoted by the Q-bar of this membership rank. The Magician is a superficial comparison at best. Because the High Priestess represents the source of the unconscious inspiration of the Grate Prophet, The Fool, she is also signified by the female equivalent of The Fool, which is Adjustment (remember, all these Tarot names are taken from Crowley's Thoth deck, which by popular rumour is EITHER the most scientifically accurate of all Tarot decks, or the most fundamentally evil, or both). Adjusment indicates the balance of all forces, and at the same time, the infinite possibilities of space and time. The fifth correspondence of the office of High Priestess is a reminder that, no matter how deep and symbolic the office may be, it can only ever be held by a finite person, and as such is a deliberate insult, to balance the high praise of the previous correspondences, and is the seven of cups, which is identified as "Debauch", the profanement and prostitution of a sacred ideal. On the other hand, MOOism identifies all possibilities, no matter how disliked, are real, and cannot be classified objectively as "evil". This is another side to the concept of balance presented so far. The Chess correspondences are with the Bishops and the Queen. Again, see The Illuminati Papers for deeper discussion on what all this means. The Queen, being on the left side of the board, and apparently "weaker" than the King, is connected with the right brain, due to the left-hand/right-brain connections in the human nervous system, and indicates the power of the feminine yin force, which is the receptacle into which the male yang is placed. This is not sexual imagery, as was long imagined. This is mathematical imagery, deriving from the rational and irrational numbers. The names for these numbers are not coincidence, they are a reflection of a fundamental human insight into the nature of the universe. [ (K) 1355670323.9278 by floyd.gecko #729 ] Love is the Law, Love under Will Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be The Whole Of The Law Unless Thou Wilt Not Follow The Law ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³MOO-COW â-3³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ Released By The Office Of The High Preest of MOO Floyd Gecko Proclamation â-3 The Purpose Of Porpoise This is number three in a series of stuff from the Office Of the High Preest of MOO. This particular thing here is a dissertation from Floyd Gecko on the subject of purpose and function, and how people are all totally confused about 'em. Do not operate this dissertation after taking heavy machinery. Part One: Whassa Purpose There seems to be a whole bunch of confusion and stuff like that there about just what's purpose and what's function and all these sorts of things. I mean, scientBLATTTs get real annoyed if you talk about the PURPOSE of some genetic thingumy in an animal or something like that, right, and it's obvious that they don't like you projecting your own ideas about PURPOSE, and your own reasons for doing things out onto nature, because nature is fundamentally different from humans, and has no intelligence in selecting properties of evolution, but rather it just sort of happens by random processes and selection of the best ones. Well, shit, how do you suppose the mind works? Divine inspiration of the best possible ideas in this, the best of all possible worlds? This is a fairly typical kind of idea that springs out of the assumption that humans are apart from the rest of the universe, instead of a part OF the rest of the universe. The technical name for this assumption is "arrogance". Arrogance is annoying to me personally, and whenever I encounter anyone deluded by that there assumption, I have an urge to repair somebody's brains. "Hey, here's your problem... Ya got a screw loose." When evolution selects for certain traits, they are selected for by an environmental necessity: there's some reason for a trait to be useful to the survival of that animal and its kids. For instance, the self-plugging nose of a seal is useful on account of seals spend oodles of time jumping into large bodies of salty water and swimming around in them. The reasonably blind processes of evolution are such that various changes in the genetic makeup of various seals happened, and got combined sexually with various other kinds of changes in various other seals when the seals got together, and produced little baby seals with lots of varied different characterBLATTTics. From there, those with large noses that couldn't close by themselves had a tendency to drown, which is a definite minus for a creature interested in the reproduction bit. Hence, all the seals left alive today have remote-controlled self- sealable noses. This may also go some way to explaining why there are no Jewish seals. The point is this: when there is a necessity, a certain trait develops over a period of time. The same thing happens in the human mind. When you're confronted with a problem, a bus hurtling towards you on a slippery street, for example, your mind has a wide variety of options. You might, for example, hold out your hand and tell the bus to stop; you could jump out of the way; you could offer a bribe to the bus-driver; you could resign yourself to Fate. Certain of these options would be inherently successful (jumping out of the way, for instance), while others might not (threatening to sue if you get thwacked by the bus, for example). The mind has an internal model of the way the world works, and various scenarios are represented by different kinds of neuron-firing type activity in there. Those scenarios which have a high probability of success, such as leaping to one side, are favoured by a selection mechanBLATT called the "survival urge", which is called that because it's an urge for survival. This same survival urge prevents activities like passive resBLATTTance from taking hold in this particular case. So when we say you jump to the side "in order to avoid getting smeared all over the concrete by the bus", we really mean that the jumping-idea, or jumping-meme was the most succesful in a short evolutionary contest. Saying that the seals evolved sealing noses (hence the name seals) for the PURPOSE of keeping the water out is no less accurate, even though there is no guiding intelligence telling them what to do. After all, when you make a decision, there's no guiding intelligence telling YOU what to pick. Because you ARE the intelligence. If you're not built up out of non-intelligent components, then there must be some OTHER intelligent thing guiding your actions. And then you have to ask what it's made of, and so forth. The words we use to describe something purposeful are exact descriptions of what happens in evolution. Part Two: Function Suppose that when we say "purpose", we agree to mean the particular reason some gene evolved to popularity, or some meme took root in your mind to make you want to do something stupid or other. Then we get to another kind of assumption which a lot of non-scientBLATTTs have, which annoys me just as much as the first annoying one. That's the assumption that if nature has a purpose (and it does, sort of), then we shouldn't mess with it. "Don't interfere with Mother Nature!" Well, fine. But consider the following. It's reasonably well documented that the human's big brain evolved as a specialized instrument for the men to throw their spears more accurately. Since the women didn't do the hunting themselves, they got stuck with this strangely evolved brain that they had no overwhelming reason to use. There was a necessity to find something useful to do with all these extra brain cells, and so they eventually did. Agriculture, it's called, and it involves a lot of careful considering of the seasons, abstract reasoning about what rain is good for and where the soil is good. It made excellent use of the brain, but was completely opposed to its PURPOSE, which was to allow males to kill things more easily. This, it is generally agreed, was a turn for the better, or at least the more civilized. But what can we call this strange thing which makes use of a trait without being its purpose? From the same idea about the mind, we can call it a function. When you're doing that leap away from the bus, and you land on, say, a hundred dollar bill which someone else was about to notice, that whole leaping bit served a second function aside from saving your skin: it also got you a hundred bucks. In nature, new functions for characterBLATTTics evolve all the time. Giraffes, whose long necks were supposed to help them eat leaves from tall trees, also have an advantage in spotting lions a long way off. Human brain-making genes ended up serving the function of society. Without large brains, societies tend to be what you might call "primitive". That is, He With Da Biggest Stick Makes Da Rules. Human society is a tad more complex than that (though not as much as some people like to think). Our brains are hosts to zillions of parasitic memes that serve no function but to make society work better. They act as sort of cybernetic feedback, telling us how to react to other people, and the like. These functions of the brain are new, but are opening up a whole new side to evolution, which is the evolution of societies. Lots of neat things are happening, in general. Part Three: Emergent Purposes Whenever some trait has a purpose, and we try to divert it to serve another function, there's some outcry from sentimental purBLATTTs, which I personally can't stand. The nature of evolution is that it's a blind process. It will sometimes evolve excellent ideas which can then be used for something else. That's not wrong, that's not bad, it's just the way nature works. When you come up with an idea for one purpose (getting out of the way of a bus), you can also apply it to different purposes (getting out of the way of a Mack Truck). Here are some examples of stuff which was developed or evolved for one purpose, and then became either useful for something else, or ended up as an end to itself... Computers were originally developed to crunch numbers for the military-industrial complex, and it was confidently predicted that there would only ever be a need for six of them in all the United States. Now, there are millions of computers, each one thousands of times as powerful as those, serving functions as diverse as calculation, video specical effects, word-processing, music juggling, learning aids, and in the not-too dBLATTTant future, containers for intelligence both human and non-human. The emotion of love was originally developed to the purpose of causing animals to pair-bond for long periods of time so that they would be able to raise their children together as two parents, ensuring that both parents would have control over the safety of their genetic heritage. With the development of an elaborate neural system in the human body, the emotion of love was developed and extended, and given social context, until it became an end to itself. Art, literature, and all sorts of human activities are based around love, and you can hardly turn on the radio without hearing some sappy love song from some artBLATTT you never heard of to some non-artBLATTT you never heard of either. The emotion of love has been rejected by some people with a preoccupation for "logic" and the like, on the assumption that logic is what people are for. Which is hardly logical, since people are for doing whatever it is that people do, by the defintion of purpose we're using here. No other animal species has the same depth of love as humans do, and so we "should" take it to the same extremes as we take our logic. [ (Q) 1355670325.2713 by floyd.gecko #625 ] Love Is The Law, Love Under Will Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be The Whole Of The Law Unless Thou Wilt Not Follow The Law In Which Case, Fergit I Mentioned It ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³MOO-COW â-4³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ Released By The Office Of The High Preest of MOO Floyd Gecko Proclamation â-4 The GnuBLATTT Rituals Available This is number four in a series of thing-in-a-series from the Office Of the High Preest of MOO. What we got here is a thing from Floyd Gecko about some gnu worship practices for the Grate MOO, which she modestly revealed to us one fine March day as spring was spranging all around, and life was in the air and stuff like that, which is a very conducive environment for stuff-getting-revealed. Part One: City Fixtures The first part of the revelation which was revealingly revealed to me, Floyd Gecko, during the period in which it was revealed to me, was as follows: "Floyd," came a voice. "Hey, which Floyd are you, anyway?" "Number 121," I said. "Floyd 121," it said, "I have a revelation for you." "Ah," quoth I. "The revelation is this... Are you getting this down? Good. The revelation is this. Although MOOists are firmly in favour of Anarchy, you are also to be firmly..." "Wait a sec," I said. "What?" "Who is this that's talking to me?" I asked. "This is the Grate MOO. I'm about to reveal some gnu worship ceremonies and stuff like that there. Look, just shut up and lBLATTTen. Although MOOists are firmly in favour of Anarchy, you are also to be firmly in favour of society, which is cool, and helps people, and stuff like that, even when the people are good and wonderful people who are just having a little trouble getting their feet at the moment, but have lots of neat stuff to contribute." "Is that it?" "SHUT UP! The point is this. The fixtures of a society which helps people, which is all societies, or doesn't deserve the name, are to be objects of worship, because they're representative of me." "No shit?" "SHUT UP! I'm about to outline for you how to properly worship me through the venerable city fixtures. Understand?" "Yes, but..." "DON'T ANSWER THAT!" "Well, why did you..." "SHUT UP!" And at this point, the Voice of the Grate MOO, which until now had been seriously interrupting my valiant attempt to lBLATTTen to my walkman, began to dictate a series of rituals not included in the Book of MOO, about how to properly worship graven images from the Gods Of The City. Part Two: Da Rituals Each of these rituals describes the method of properly paying respect to utilities and entities of the City Government in worship of the Grate MOO, who is, after all, in everything, even my Walkman. She even erased a tape to prove it. I can show it to you, if ya want. It's blank 'n everything. Anyway, here are the rituals. Fire Hydrants. The proper attitude of a MOOist towards fire is whatever the hell the MOOists wants to attitude at it, but a prevailing one seems to be fascination, largely on account of that's the way people are towards fire. However, fire can be bad, especially if the thing that's burning is yours. Worse still, if it's you. That's real unpleasant. So Fire Hydrants are an important part of any pyromaniac's life, and since many MOOists seem to be such, it is vital to the Church of MOO that such safety measures be maintained. So, whenever you see a Fire Hydrant, you can offer up a prayer or burnt offering to the Fire Hydrant Spirit which lives inside and provides endless water. This should be done by sitting cross-legged in front of the Fire Hydrant and bowing to it five times, reciting the word "MOO". Burnt offerings should be soaked in water before offering them up, as a way of thanking the Spirit of the Fire Hydrant for the service it performs. The offerings need not even be burnt before offering. The simplest thanks-giving ritual to the Hydrant Spirit is to squirt a friend with a water gun near the Hydrant, and run away. The Hydrant will get the point. Parking Meters. The Parking Meter Spirit is a greedy spirit, but one who serves a valuable function to the Grate MOO. Whenever an unsuspecting human being deposits some amount of money into the Parking Meter, the spirit inside is able to rub off a tiny amount of the human's Essence. This is nothing to worry about if you're a human, because the Essence grows back again very quickly when some of it is removed, but it helps improve the coffers of the Grate MOO. The Grate MOO grants the Parking Meter a favour by sending it good Parking Vibes for a while. However, as the Essence grows back on the human, it is drained from the coffers of the Grate MOO, and her favour disappears. The typical Essence-draining ability of most Parking Meters works out to 15 minutes worth of good Parking Vibes per ›25, although their abilities change over the years as humans put up better defenses, and it takes more money to get the same amount of Essence. Each Parking Meter has a small Namronic Detector inside which detects these Parking Vibes being sent, and displays the amount of time remaining. As a show of encouragement for their great service to the Grate MOO, it is suitable for MOOists to head-butt each Parking Meter we see, one butt for each ten minutes remaining. This is a sign of encouragement to the Parking Meter Spirit inside. ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ» º ?OIN TH? NRL TODAY ÇÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ º A new œight o? œiberty º Nonœocàœ Repubœic o? Liberty ³ º in à worœë o? sœàvery º Weœcomes You ³ ÈÍÍÍÑÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ ³ ³ A new worœë àwàits you in the œànë o? nàtions o? ³ ³ ëecentràœizàtion? The Government In Perpetuàœ ³ ³ ?xiœe o? the NRL wànts YOU ànë others œike ànë ³ ³ compœeteœy unœike you to join the growing màss ³ ³ o? immigrànts to the NRL? Reàë on to œeàrn how! ³ ³ ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ The Nonœocàœ Rebubœic o? Liberty is the greàtest conspiràcy o? unœike minës ever to invàëe this worœë! How màny times hàve you been ëràggeë ëown by conventio