HOW KEVIN VORTEX SAVED THE WORLD
Extensive research by MOO scholaars trained in the intricacies of
WOMBAT-programming has revealed some starting facts about Kevin Vortex, and
just how often he's actually saved the world.
It turns out that the ditch into which Vortex dumped his first (and only)
client's corpse was actually an integral part of WOMBAT's program. Since
WOMBAT was disguised as Wyoming, it was using natural land features as data
storage and processing centers. The particular ditch in question was one
which governed the operation of WOMBAT's main reason for being on Earth,
namely the destruction of the human race to make way for the Xornon colonists
for whom it was Xorniforming the planet. When Vortex dumped the corpse in
the ditch, the subprogram mistakenly assumed (being disrupted by the chaotic
presence of the Vortexian) that it had successfully killed off the human
species, and WOMBAT shifted its primary programming objective. If Vortex
had dumped the body three seconds later, it would have been ZOT, and bye-bye
Earthlings. Wowzers.
Anyway, we all owe Vortex a debt of gratitude, or at least a free cup of
coffee whenever he asks for one.
So says Kevin, anyway.
All this has opened up a new line of research, delving deep into the books
contained in the Mauve Room for data on what has
come to be known as WOMBAT Ditch-Dump Programming, which involves programming
WOMBAT, and hence causing magickal effects to happen, by dumping various
things in ditches in Wyoming.
For example, it has been conclusively proved that a particular irrigation
ditch in Wyoming has the property that if you dump into it seven chicken
livers and a barrell of Nutley's Glue Stix (painted purple by a Pakistani
named Alfred Q. Lindenmayer) decorated with the word 'Infundibular' in
fava beans held in place by masking tape, your ears will flap six times,
your nose will turn green, and seventy-two thousand dollars will be
instantly deposited in your bank account. Many MOOists have decided that
the permanent vertification of their noses is a worthwhile price to pay for
that kind of cash, and gone on to discover the remaining property of the
ditch (never previously announced), that death follows within eight to ten
weeks, caused by a particularly sharp telephone chewing out the kidneys of
the magickian in question.
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